As I sit here today, I realize there is almost nothing on my mind. In fact, I’d be lying if I said that my brain was capable of carrying on real thought; it feels more like jellied mush. Whether it is because of the weather or medication or general malaise, I will likely never know. All that is pertinent is that I’m mush-like, and have become increasingly so all week. This too shall pass in time, but for the moment… it’s not exactly my idea of fun.
And, of course, when I’m in this state, I become increasingly apathetic about the world outside of my demesnes. Should the Royals get jobs, should we deep-fry the hackers, there’s a third Olsen, and zOmg, there’s someone out there anti-Glee – it’s all there, but I just can’t muster a give-a-damn.
I realize that we all have days like this, but I do so wish mine didn’t pile atop each other. *smiles* But that’s just the way; my life is a wave or something. And while I was having a rather good conversation with one of my best friends earlier today about mood and people and bonding and friendship and the like, I’m not sure that’s something that I’m fully inclined to discuss in a public forum. I mean, it’s not dire in the scheme of things, but I don’t like feeling vulnerable. Admitting that it feels like I’m a chasm away from every other person in the world isn’t exactly the most confident statement to have to make, whatever its veracity. To admit that even with loved ones, the closest you manage to ever feel is fingers brushing across a ravine, that everyone else is miles away past that… it’s not a particularly nice thing. That most positive emotion is not something I can receive because I don’t trust the motives or genuineness of it.
Oh wait, I did just admit to all of that, didn’t I? Ah well – welcome to my world. I am my own island. I don’t particularly like it, but I don’t really have any idea what to do about it, either. I only trust spontaneous positive affection, if that. And because of how I am, I almost never let anyone know when I’m upset or feeling poorly, because it comes out so big that I’m desperately afraid someone will mistake it as attention whoring. I’d honestly rather off myself than attention whore; I abhor those who ruin genuine bonding and polite society with their desperate need to be acknowledged. I abhor it because I don’t really know how to undo the damage it’s done to my soul; as this particular best friend knows, I have a family member whose behavior reinforced my particular beliefs to be this way by his or her abhorrent attention seeking. Do you think it appropriate to have to deal with someone saying ‘I love you!’ 20 times a day? I surely don’t…
Anyways, meh. Have some insight into the downside of things. I’m holding up alright and will probably boost my mood with some wonderful baking tonight (nothing beats freshly baked bread for mood elevation!), and as always – this too shall pass. 😉 In the meantime, I hope everyone is having as good a day as possible, ’cause I genuinely do wish 99.5% of people the bestest. And those .5% I don’t, well… *chuckles*