I am currently enjoying a bit of baby-free reprieve; she’s gone on a walk with her father. I’m grateful for this, because I find myself growing incredibly panicky an anxious over her being noisome today. She’s not in pain, or distressed – she’s just being noisy for the sake of being noisy. Unfortunately, this isn’t something I can handle in the slightest, ever, at all. While I wouldn’t mind being better equipped to handle such things (since it’s all people and things making undue noise near me), I do my best to not beat myself up over it; the fact my heart starts racing and I want to run screaming is punishment enough in my book.
But then this, and many other little things lke it, are the weaknesses I try to hide from the world. Who wants to admit that every single interaction is taxing, that almost every word said is overanalysed to the point of madness? For surely, I don’t want to hurt other people, and surely, it seems like most people don’t really give a rat’s ass pass themselves. But then, those that do are a bother too, ’cause then you’ve go tto worry about hurting them by hurting, blah blah blah blah blah.
See why this stuff stays inside? Muuuuch easier on the inside. 😉 And y’know, why I try to limit interactions as much as possible. It’s not ’cause I’m a snob – it’s ’cause it’s freaking stressful, and I’d rather give full an accurate answers to anything as pertinent than to ‘lulz broccoli’ the internet and my extended network to death. Or I get stuck being a mind-reader because someone would rather sit and seethe instead of talk things out.
I realize this is directionless from the start – hooray! That tends to be the case when ones’ brain is half shut down. As it were, the only thing of note in my brain besides thinking about how tomorrow is going to be a day of welcome reprive is thinking about how I need to sit down and script up a recipe for the chicken noodle soup I’ve been making us on the weekends. It wouldn’t be too hard to whip up, and it’s too good to not share. It’s just a matter of doing it, yanno? Maybe I’ll remember next time; I’m out of the noodles I use, so I don’t feel confident in my ability to figure out the approximate weight to recommend. I’d rather do that than use my standard measurement, which is one rice bowl.
Nugh, anyways… I need to find some motivation and get to doing a few things around the house. But much like the rushing wind outside, motivation is just about as easy to grab, being… not at all. Ah well – maybe tomorrow.