I have a big problem – I’m often stuck in my own mind. I realize its’ a self-preservation method – I’m so fragile that I ‘need’ to lock myself away from everyone and everything else in order to keep from going insane. That I ‘need’ to filter it through this nice, sanitary text format to take the sting out of the emotions, the reality. I think that’s why I try very hard to be considerate of the emotions of others online (even if it seems like I’m not; I’m just kind of blunter than I mean to be! :D), and am oftimes confused by people who don’t do the same. Whatever the medium, people are still people – just because you don’t have to see them doesn’t mean you have any excuse to not follow the Golden Rule!
But I digress – I’m more thinking about this habit of mine to try and encapsulate myself away from everything, and how this is the sum of all evil to me. I’ve often found that the things I like least about other people are the things I like least about myself; accepting this has helped me process a lot about myself. This particular habit falls firmly in the ‘Crap, I don’t want to be X parent’ bucket – I resent one of my parents for being incredibly difficult to access because of this exact habit. Having to come to terms with the fact that I do the same thing is ridiculously sheepish-making for me, ’cause I strongly value communication, and trying to be open to communication.
*winces at baby cranking* Bless the little ‘un – I know she doesn’t mean any harm. But this is a prime example of why I tend to curl up into my bubble and try to avoid everything. It’s actually worse because she doesn’t know better – I abhor complaints that have no basis, and have never figured out how to not sweat the small stuff. It kind of feeds itself – she doesn’t know better, so on that basis, I should be able to dismiss it, but that doesn’t make it stop annoying me, and so that annoys me about being annoyed to infinity. I just use her for an example as it’s timely – even with medication, I still find myself wincing and wanting to run away. The same could be said of a TV or radio that is up too loud, or just about any tiny thing that should be easily sorted, but isn’t for some reason. It’s a rather backwards way to live life (being able to shrug off the big things, but not the tiny!), but it seems to be where I am stuck.
The joys, the joys of the extremes… not. But ah well – it’s food for thought, and knowing that I can accept that this is gonna take some time. Or something.