One thing that I don’t think a lot of people understand about depression is that it’s a dead weight. I have no reason to be sad, and indeed, I’m not in the emotional sense. I’ve got a great job, house, family, friends – there is absolutely nothing that I can think of that would improve my life. And yet, I sit here feeling like I’m buried under a mountain. I’m physically worn out, I’m on the brink of tears, and I emphatically do not want to deal with anyone. My self-worth is fine – I admire my brain and its workings, and I am generally happy with my body; my only main complaint in the post-baby era is that trousers do NOT sit right anywhere anymore – most vexing!
I was catching a friend up on my psychological story until now last night, and it made me chuckle slightly. His suggestions were mainly things that I’d used in the past – drugs, booze, smoking, yelling. Anything that gave a little rush and/or distraction from the gnawing hole, really, and I did take a moment to pat myself on the back for overcoming self-medicating. Even now, feeling as low as I do, I never want to set foot back on that path, and wish that ‘normal’ people could understand that a large chunk of drink and drug problems are because self-medication is the only perceived route to sanity. And it’s not – it’s a sticking plaster (band-aid) for ones’ own battle with their personal demons. And yes, it is terrible and yes, it is destructive, and it has coloured my life from birth through now, I still try to find compassion and love to know and understand… except for cocaine. Fuck cocaine. It’s almost stolen too many of my damned family members for me to have a lick of compassion for it.
Having said all that, I do hope to try and get the ball rolling on getting real treatment going. I’m not terribly optimistic, seeing how my experience to date has had me called a liar repeatedly, all my documentation lost, and basically getting treated like shit for trying desperately to get help. I guess because I’ve ‘gotten by’ for so long, and because I’m not sitting here with pills and knives that I can keep for a bit longer… and you know? I’ll continue to fight the good fight. I do think life is worth living and that I have a lot to live for. But optimism can only lift a broken soul so far, and I have so far to go. *sighs*
Anyhoo, back to fighting the good fight towards getting things done for the day. I hope that your day is excellent whatever may come.