Today, I feel mainly calm. There is some anxiety jagging softly in the background, but it’s not severe enough to take the front seat. I feel okay – not good or bad, and it’s days like this that I live for. Days where I feel something akin to stable; the detritus of day-to-day life isn’t likely to knock me off balance. In those short gasps of balance, I can almost find this relaxation thing that I’ve heard so many good things about; I can just sort of kick back, luxuriate in breathing and existing, and find succor in it. I can take said succor, and help in the continued perpetuation of calm and quasi-relaxation.
It seems so simple when I’m here on this level platform… and yet, it’s obviously not. If it were, I’d always be in the state of contentment that I have craved since childhood. Not wild happiness – simple contentment; a life of swinging moods makes one appreciate balance. While wild happiness is fantastic while you’re at its apex, revelling in everything, there’s still the coming down that balance demands. And those nadirs with whatever flavour of bipolar I happen to be rocking are terrible. Panic attacks, utter dispair – emo kids wish they could feel that bad. *laughs* Okay, probably not – it’s a terrible place to be, and I thank deity every time I come out of it that I survived yet again without succumbing to it. Which reminds me – one of my dear friends posted a wonderful resource for the well-meaning non-depressed; it contains suggestions for things not to say:
Worst Things to Say to Someone Who’s Depressed
I grew up in an environment that, frankly, didn’t allow me to feel my feelings. If I tried to express how upset or sad or hurting I was, people would crack jokes, or change the subject. If someone managed to get a weak chuckle out of me, then job done – as far as they were concerned, I was ‘fixed’ and they had done their job. I’m sure many of my friends who suffer from bipolar or other mental conditions/depressions are familiar with that; is it any wonder so many of us isolate and hide from the world? After all, there’s no need to engage if you’re going to be treated so tritely!
But thankfully, that isn’t for now. Depression will rear its ugly head again, and if I am truly labouring under Bipolar II, then that reinforces what I’ve always known – that I will be in a depressive state for more time than not. So knowing that it will come again, and probably sooner than later, make these few days of calm all the more precious. Which means I’m going to get back to enjoying it, ticky-list style. Yup, it’s Monday, so I have my to do list, and being in a good mood, it only adds to my mood. Weird probably, but that’s okay – I’m okay, it’s okay, we’re okay. And that, mes amis, is a good thing.
Hope your Monday is pleasant, and for my lovely friends enjoying birthdays today – enjoy them well!