I was concerned that writing yesterday’s post was going to plunge me into a bad depressive state. After all, I was getting sobby about it not a week ago, so continued upset made sense. Apparently, I talked about it enough between then and now that it felt good talking about it, sharing that weird slice of my damaged mental state. And then I realized why – I’ve cut pretty much everyone who would make my life hell for exposing such vulnerabilities. While not completely free (it’s incredibly difficult to ditch family, even if you can celebrate having an ocean’s distance), I am freed enough that I can concisely state things that are broken with me that I would like to fear without fear of people taking advantage of it for their own nasty purposes. Because frankly, I am crazy broken, and have been for a long time; giving the appearance of strength only invited people to try and tear me down to make their sad little lives feel more fulfilled. I will never understand that mentality… it’s just horrible mojo.
Having managed to mainly let go of ‘bad’ people = good. My high standards of whom should be in my life isn’t snobbery – it’s maximizing my quality of life by not watering dead plants. Or, worse, eating the same poison berry time and time again, thinking that this time, it might tasted better and not make me sick. It does a world of good, because it is baggage removed that shouldn’t be there. Oh sure, I understand that not everyone can do this – their family lives in the same town as them, they can’t balefire obnoxious co-workers, but I guess we can work on tuning them out… and maybe not fixating on how obnoxious their faces are. That’s where I am right now – I can and have done some pruning from my life, but that doesn’t stop my mind attempting to freak out and do the racing thoughts thing about the stupidest people. If I’m lucky, I can take a deep breath and try to focus my mind elsewhere, but that’s pretty hit or miss.
So yeah… good stuff, this kind of sort of progress is. 🙂