I’m choosing to cross-post from my other blog rather than writing the same thing two different ways. For those who read both, I apologise in advance for the redundancy. I expect you’ll get something fresher tomorrow if I manage to get a better fix on myself. <3
So yeah, still not particularly okay. Long and short – I tried to kill myself Saturday. The entire day from waking up was completely and utterly a mess that I couldn’t get the loosest fix on until late in the afternoon, and I’ve pretty much been clinging on by fingernails since then. I usual get to feel relief after a blow-out, but instead I’m still all sorts of empty and it’s not nice, and it’s making it harder to hold on to sanity.
It didn’t help that I received a bit of a knock yesterday; I was reminded that I completely and utterly fucked up Saturday morning and upset a friend. I didn’t mean to (though I fully admit that what I said was way out of line and I have no idea why I said it :s), and I never mean to – I am so fragile that I cannot handle the repercussions of being snotty or condescending when hale, so like fuck I can handle them at current. I dropped off an apology, so sort of hoping I didn’t fuck that up too. I was too busy shaking and crying and trying to keep myself from doing something stupid, so like… feh. The apology is totally sincere – I have no qualms owning up when I make a mistake. I just… don’t know. Person knew that I’m in bad shape, so like… couldnt’ve waited? But that comes off like I’m trying to blame them, when that’s not fair or justifiable, and ugh. I just feel selfish and stupid and too fucked up to exist.
So yeah, I don’t know. I have never felt this hollow before, and even knowing that I have people to live for isn’t quite enough to lever me out. I took a moment to look at what the NHS suggested for the suicidal sorts, but all of it stood my hair on edge – I don’t want to go to the ER, call my doctor, or call anyone; anyone ever heard of a web chat? *shakes head* And really, I would start stabbing people or myself if someone tried to kid-glove me, so like… *shudders* I think the worst has passed, and that the happenstances leading to me wanting to quit the game of life were just a random shitstorm of unhappy accident piling atop each other – stir-crazy + physical pain + inability to fight marauding bad thoughts + all those little things that normally don’t happen (like inadvertently pissing off friends)… but then, I’m still not me either. I’m this bag of sad and shaking, and the only sane thing I can see to do is lay low and pray that I can hold it together until I’m strong enough to fight it off again, and deal with people. I’m still trying to cajole myself into going to the Stitch ‘n Bitch tomorrow, but that would require significant improvements from now to then.
So yeah… fun… not. At least I remembered to put it in my paper diary to pass on when I see the folks at the hospital next. I’ll also likely see if I can get angry enough at myself to talk to the husband a bit more about it; I have to push past depression to anger to get anything done at this time. It’s not ideal, but if it’s keeping me alive… game on.
I’ll be disabling comments because frankly, I am not strong enough to bear your concern for me. As well meant as it is (and to be appreciated at a later date when there are spoons for such), I can’t handle other peoples’ emotions right now – I can barely handle my own, yo. But then, I’m not me right now so I don’t even know what to do, besides wait… so wait I shall.