While I subscribe to a philosophy of trying to honestly share what’s going on in my head, and my life and times, I have to wonder if I’ve started crossing a line that should not be crossed. For instance, will my admissions lose me friends and acquaintances who suddenly realize the depths of my instability? Will I lose my role as confidante and advisor to people I love dearly because they’re afraid of breaking me? I don’t really know yet; I’m not quite strong enough to deal with the populace in general. That isn’t to say that I’m isolating myself – I’m talking very frankly with my fantastic husband, and taken full advantage of my best friend from my school days. We’re of the same cloth – broken to bits, but full of love and desire to help people in spite of our own woes (or perhaps because of our own woes?). She has the full pass to the complete depths of my brokenness and vulnerability, because she has seen it time and time again and never taken advantage of it. Likewise, I do the same for her, and it helps both of us get by.
I don’t know yet what the end result of my admission will be. I’d add for reassurance to my friends and loved ones that this was only my second attempt ever; the first was trying to throw myself off a balcony while drunk and squabbling with my then-boyfriend/mainly ex-boyfriend some years ago. I am not by nature a suicidal person; that is why I have been firm in emphasizing that I have not been me these last couple of days. And it’s because of these potential and incredibly sudden instances (they seriously sneak up on me and club me from behind :s), in addition to my day-to-day quality of life, that I work so hard on trying to identify and find ways to cope with my wonky brain. I want to live as normal a life as I can, after all – I cherish stability, darn it! I even politely listen to the ‘helpful’ advice from people who assume I’ve not already tried everything; it’s meant well, even if it does sometimes come off a touch condescending. Because who knows – maybe someone will give me a new trick to try, and that’s obviously worthwhile. For now, I’m doing my best to talk about these things so that they don’t sit there festering (besides my blogs, the aforementioned husband and best friend are taking a lot of gabber), and otherwise clinging on until I’m feeling a bit more stable. At least I know I’m doing the right things to help me move in that direction, so hopefully a few more days will see me to a point where I can talk to my other friends who are concerned for me and try to sort out more of my head.
For today, I’ll try something that I don’t get to do often – a change of scene. There’s a local crafting group that actually meets regularly, and one of their meetings is tonight. Fingers crossed that opens itself up as an avenue to a local support base of nice folks; local friends are totally underrated in the support network sense! A global one is fantastic, I won’t lie – but you can’t get as many hugs that way. 😉