I found out this morning that a friend of many friends committed suicide. I’m pretty sure I didn’t know this individual, but it doesn’t stop me from thinking about him and knowing that there’s a hole in the world located not too far from where I am. If I met him, it was many many moons ago. More likely I would have met him if my original post-military plan had been enacted, but what-ifs and what could have beens are merely those – they are not what is. I can be relieved that it’s not anyone I know I knew (as several likely candidates had popped to mind), but that is nothing compared with the commiseration for my friends who are mourning the loss of someone they concretely knew. I can also commiserate with the young man who decided to take his life; I wish I couldn’t, but the fact is I can. The darkness can sneak up so easily and draw you down faster than you can blink, and it can be said and done before reason has a chance to throw out a branch.
I guess the main thing that this puts in my head is thus – that I should continue to treat people with love and respect (as much as I can muster), and if I think of someone, to make sure to let them know. I know that such casual brushes mean the world to me – I can only assume that is fairly universal. It’s a small thing against the vast darkness, but sometimes all people need is a little light to see their way through… or something. It’s hard for me to wax gentle about an area that I can only escape by harvesting rage; if I am mad enough, I can fight through and save my own ass those few times when the darkness threatens to swallow me. But that’s me, and what I’ve found that ‘works’ for me when my head stops working. Good feelings are still something I think are universally good, though.
So yeah… my heart is with my friends who are hurting today, and otherwise… I guess just sort of mulling from the relative safety of semi-numbness. Not really much more I can do until transporters enable me to go hug people with that whole instantaneous transport thing, yanno? :/