I know, I know – it’s actually ‘Don’t sweat the little things‘. But you know what? I do. The big things have always been something I can take on board and cope with; whether it be the house-shaking thunderstorms that I made my peace with at age 5, or the non-stop Novocaine-dental-party that started in my pre-teen years, I just sucked it up and got on with it. Death? Not a problem – let’s commit the departed to memory and they will never die. But titchy noises, things out of place, smells, being misunderstood – these things drive me around the bend and then some. It often makes me wonder if I might have some sort of OCD, but I really don’t know yet either. All I know is that these things bother me, I generally have an overwhelming need to ‘fix’ them, and that I’m going to be insanely anxious either way.
I know it’s incredibly self-defeating to be bothered by all the little things, but I’ve yet to find a magical way to address this. I’m not able to tune them out; if I were, they’d not be a problem! Meditation would probably help, but then, that would require me to be further along in the quest to learn relaxation (which is coming along… slowly). There’s probably meds that could help too (whether for OCD or ADHD or ???), but the whole trying to conceive thing throws that out of whack. I’m still hoping I can remember all these bits to point out to my doctor so we can continue to shape the future of my treatment and progression, ’cause really – I want to get better. And why wouldn’t I? I accept that Bipolar is going to be a part of me for the rest of my life, and has been a part of me for a long time. But that doesn’t meant giving up and using it as carte blanche to stop my quest towards proper self-actualization. Granted, I need to be able to admit where the problem areas are (like this sweating of the small stuff), and accept that it might take a long time to make a real difference. It’s not giving up to admit that there’s something ‘wrong’ and boulder-level blocking the road – it’s just saying that it’s going to take awhile to progress, and to lay off oneself for not magically fixing it immediately.
Anyways, we’ll take it all as it comes, and hopefully make the best of it all. What else can I really do? 🙂