My mother-in-law gave me a pretty little daily calendar journal-y thing for Christmas last year. I don’t really know why – I know I’d requested one for a specific purpose the year before, but that was related to a game (and had since gotten rid of my need for one). So it’s been sitting atop my PC tower, staring at me blankly. And so I’ve tried to put it to use – I’ve tried to remember to scribble in health-related things in. The suicide attempt, the sparky sparkly headaches, when migraines happen – I try to make those get in there. But that’s still a lot of blank pagination, so the last week I’ve been trying to put it to a ‘better’ use.
Like many folks I know, my thoughts are quick to escape off into the aether. I’ve approached trying to keep them pinned down in many ways – I’ll try repeating them to myself over and over again. I requisitioned a note-taking tape recorder from my father-in-law (which is buried… somewhere). I’ve even done that old childhood favorite – scribbling things across hands and arms and the like. All of this usually fails because my thoughts will dash away before I can even record them, leaving me haunted and annoyed by things that would make great blog fodder, or project ideas, or whatever.
With that in mind, I’m trying to jot ideas into this cheerful little calendar-diary thing. It’s far from perfect, and can only help so far when one is completely bereft of ideas, but at least some stray thoughts are being recorded, and then transcribed here and elsewhere. It’s sort of nice, and I hope it’s a habit I can finally stick to. It’s not like I’m a fascinating person, so I sort of need to milk every idea that crosses my empty little head. Well, and y’know… if I can slow down racing thoughts enough to pick them apart. Or if I’m not being distracted and distressed by every tiny thing in existence. Really, I think most times it a miracle if I can get a thought anywhere that isn’t my head.
Anyhoos, methinks I am on a quest for more coffee, so I shall investigate that.