Posts like yesterday’s shouldn’t be so hard to write, I want to think. And yet, they are, and I know why. I think my family mainly steers clear of here (one person having told me that my blogging is stupid… oh… kay?), and in that, it gives me more freedom to express myself and say what’s on my mind. But I need them to know these things and hope they care enough to read and take it on board. But if they did actually make their presence around here known, I would immediately feel pressured to sit on what I’m feeling and to not express it all. I’d start putting their feelings ahead of mine, thereby allowing them to tell me that I am not valid, nor are my feelings. It’s a bit of a mess — I do my damnedest to respect the feelings of others to the point where I imply that they are correct in acting as if what I feel is irrelevant. Yet, I don’t want to step on their equally valid feelings, s there’s that whole catch-22. We’re both right, we’re both probably wrong, and I’m always the one that gets stuck being the ‘bigger person’. That’s what happens with a fuller-than-average awareness of consequences — you learn to ‘lose’ to save the day.
So is there an easy solution to this? Not that I’ve found, else I’d not feel so wary about being honest about what’s going on with me. I don’t wish to be the center of attention, I don’t desire to stomp everyone else down… I just want to be treated like I’m valid. Perhaps my continued efforts in establishing firm and clear statements of how I am doing will help, but it’s still a lot of energy and spoons for a risky level of return.
For today though… I feel sick, so I’m going to get back to enjoying myself and trying to take care of myself. ‘Cause that’s usually a good thing to do indeed.