Small victories are still the bread and butter getting me through these depressed times. For instance, I went out last night for my Stitch ‘n Bitch group, and pretty much felt like curling up and sobbing as soon as I got there. No good reason why — my brain just decided that being out of my nest meant that I ‘deserved’ to feel sad and horrible. I managed to not do such, and had an enjoyable and frank discussion about dealing with depression with one of the newer ladies in the group.
I’d confided my relief that no one had hit me with, ‘Why are you depressed?’ during the past month, and my infinite relief at not having to deal with that banal and kind of insulting question. She commented that she would not have guessed I had anything depressive going on, because I present so cheerful. One of my best friends added to that in pointing out because I usually do seem so happy camper, that it probably is a bit of a shock and, perhaps, an over-reactive concern triggered in others when they find out I have depression rocking the houseboat. And she’s got a point — the lady I was talking to while at Stitch ‘n Bitch seemed to behave in a manner that was increasingly solicitous of me (without, praise deity, being condescending or insulting).
Still, I know I’ve made progress, because that sort of concern doesn’t put me on edge as much anymore. Because I write here daily and can talk about things with my husband, it’s a tiny bit easier to understand that people care. And that their caring doesn’t mean that I am a pitiable creature too weak to get by on her own, that they care – end of. It’s still hard, because well-meant concern triggers the brain’s whiny centers into pushing its crappy agenda that people think I suck and am pathetic and you know you’re being whiny, so nyah nyah you suck.
So yeah, still ticking along and still trying to apply positivity, but it’s still not easy. 🙂