My mother is a hyper, flighty woman compared to me. I find it very stressful at times to converse with her, because her mind races and skitters even faster than mine does (and mine is pretty bad). But sometimes, just sometimes, there’s a real gem amongst her babble that serves as a strong reminder of who I am.
For example, she was relaying last night about when I decided I wanted to join the military. It’s one of her favorite stories as far as I can tell, and it amuses me as well. When I contacted the recruiter, he didn’t seem particularly interested in me; I’m rather small and not particularly martial-seeming. Mom felt he was trying to get rid of me as fast as possible, until I told him what job I was interested in. He commented that he had never had anyone succeed in getting into that career, to why I reputedly replied, ‘Just watch me.’ I guess I like the story too.
But in a way, I guess that sums up my life; if I want to do something, I get it done. I always have; what’s the point of hemming and hawing if you have a path in mind? I’m not a dreamer by any stretch — I am pragmatic and operate within the bounds of what I feel I can achieve. So in that, achieving what I have doesn’t feel particularly spectacular to me. By that same token, me expressing a concern about doing something isn’t giving up, per se — it’s recognizing my own bounds. Yanno, when I’m actually healthy enough to do and respect that.
With that fresh in my mind, I can understand part of why this year’s bout of oh-so-fun summer depression has been a bit harder hitting in some ways. I’m so busy regrouping right now that I’m not doing anything at all. Not that I feel the need to rack up accomplishments, but when the only new and ‘exciting’ thing I can add to my list for this year is learning how to drive stick shift and crochet patterns, I feel like I could and should be doing more. But I know that I cannot either, not if I want to continue studying myself and laying a firmer foundation for the future. It’s something that needs doing too, yanno? I have to believe that what I’m doing right now with trying to get the right medications and continued introspection and self-analysis will grant me the serenity to be. Certainly, there has to be a better way than doing because you’re so anxious and stressed out and freaked out that you figure, ‘Why not?’ and go full-tilt on an empty tank.
Patience — it’s definitely an operative word here. But I can do it — just watch me. 😉