Part of me today and yesterday feels wonderful enough to exist. I’m enjoying the things I’m doing, and I’m doing things that I enjoy. Then there’s this other part of me that is so swamped with anxiety that I desperately want to hide away from the world. I’m taking advantage of my recently developed ability to hide things without reading them, or route them to the trash before I can see them, etc. It’s so annoying; generic emails and messages shouldn’t trigger anxiety that bad. Just because I might have to have a slightly disagreeable opinion, or say, advocate for myself… thanks brain, you’re a fantastic sabotage machine.
But hey, I’m going to do my best to kick back and enjoy my holidays. I am also going to think on whether or not I’m becoming too reliant on avoidant behavior; it’s really hard to tell due to me actually being able to engage in it is such a freaking recent development. I already know that the things that trigger anxiety aren’t things that I can train away, else I’d’ve had a handle on that a long-ass time ago. But it’s also a Catch-22; I’m taking care of myself, but I’m also encouraging myself to avoid things. There’s no winning, really. And dwelling on that, well… you can probably guess that doesn’t exactly lift one upon high.
Blech, anyways. I should find something resembling lunch, and then return to my crochet labours.