I’m slowly coming to the realization that I probably will never be able to use Facebook like most people do, because it is the bastion of the normal. Your mother is probably on there, your boss is probably on there, and even if you’re good with lists and whom you friend, you’re going to probably end up with a weird cross-section of life. Usually I relish this, but it’s too chaotic, and frankly crap in that place.
I’m coming to this realization because it seems that no matter what I post, some not-that-thinking person will post something in reply that will set me off. It doesn’t matter how innocuous my post might be — there is always someone out there ready to rush in and shove their foot in their mouth. And worst of all, I have that ‘joy’ of constantly feeling like it’s my fault because my brain isn’t wired like theirs. Having said that, I don’t overly blame me, and even try to consider other peoples’ viewpoints; after all, we ourselves are generally the funniest and smartest people we know. After all, we know what makes ourselves laugh, and woe betide those who disagree… or something.
Still, it leaves me in a painful bind — do I pretend to be what I am not to appease the masses, or do I stay true unto myself? The answer is obvious to me — to lie is to make me want to kill myself. To be true is perilous because it is so stressful that other people have whacked-out standardized expectations, but at least I know that I’m being myself. I just… I don’t know, wish I could be the open book I consider myself to be without risking so much freaking pain. As I put it to something yesterday — I don’t have the spoons to deal with other peoples’ crap, especially when it shouldn’t be in my space in the first place.
Anyways, I don’t know what to add past this bit of venting. I’ve got the chemical sad feeling going through my veins again atop the existing depression, so it’s not exactly ideal. I’m still fighting it and wondering how bad it can get. It’s maintained low-level for this month, after all, but that could just as easily mean that I’ve got a few months of this crap before nudging back up. It probably does mean that, the slow slide deeper and darker. Nothing to do for it but to keep gritting my teeth, and trying to mend and make do with what I have. Hopefully having the better part of a week off to slack will give my brain some space to flop out and quit being crappy, yanno, instead of finding more dark holes to dive into. Blah blah, I’m shaking the tiny fist of impotent rage, blah blah.
But still, hope all of y’all out there are doing okay.