Even though I’ve got a couple of really great blog ideas, I will not be expanding one of them out today. I find myself overwhelmed by anxiety… and not even my own. I’ve actually had a pretty good fix on my anxiety lately, but when my beloved spouse starts behaving in a manner that belies his anxiety and stress, it tends to wallop me. I don’t begrudge him — he is entitled to his feelings, same as I am. But even with the strength supporting another gives me, there’s only so much I can take before I’m folding under and flailing.
But then, that’s part of life with bipolar — the feelings are stronger, good and bad, even with medicine helping smooth out the roughest edges. But I’m still strongly influenced by the emotions around me, and I pride myself on not stewing in resentment over it. I did sidewise chide him that perhaps he should say… leave the house to find a few minutes of peace for himself, but I am certain it went in one ear and out the other. We are too alike in not being used to people giving a crap about how we’re feeling, as well as hunkering down and trying to make do (he’s not bipolar, just a delightfully stubborn individual with the same desire to make everything better for those he loves).
And then, of course, is the quasi-guilt for me. I feel selfish for wanting to prioritize my feelings and my needs. It’s something that’s still relatively new to me. But even with the bipolar diagnosed and hung upon me, I still don’t think that my feelings are more important than anyone elses’… even if my reactions sometimes seem to indicate otherwise. Like everything else with bipolar, it’s just another annoying-as-sin balancing act — I do need to take care of myself, ’cause me being sorted is a big problem taken care of for everyone. But I also need to help take care of everyone else… and I know I fall down on that. Or I try and I make it worse for me, and then it makes it for them, and and…
Suffices to say, it can easily develop into a vicious circle. I’m a fair bit better now at realizing I’m about to go off the deep end, and retreating to a quiet spot for a few minutes to regroup. And, hopefully, that I’ve done that and expressed my concerns will serve us all better for the rest of the day.