Yesterday was a big day for me, after a fashion. I set up a Facebook page for this blog:
And I set up a Google+ page as well:
I’ll be making use of these pages as another way to follow the blog, for those who don’t like RSS, or email, or following in WordPress Reader. Sharing is caring and all of that, so it behooves me to make it easier for people to access my content (and to make it easier for them to share it when friends if it so suits them).
But here’s the thing — self-promotion is probably the single hardest thing for me to do. When I was growing up, I was (as one of my best friends put it) the one running the household. I’m the eldest of four, and at age four, I was told I needed to be a grown-up to help things keep running. And I did — I tried to stay on top of chores, I did my best to mediate disputes between everyone, and I even got a job when so pressured to (which covered my expenses, and I also ended up covering other peoples’ expenses as well). I did it with as little complaining as possible, because you know what? It was made abundantly clear that I was not permitted to have feelings. I was a victim of my own competence, and have continued to be my entire life.
Because of that, and because of childhood lessons wherein it was made very clear to me that there was absolutely no point in asking for affirmation in the areas I needed it, I’ve got a pretty painful relationship with affirmation, and the receipt thereof. And that’s the old saw in this extroverted world of ours — if you don’t ask, you don’t receive. But I actually can’t ask for affirmation anymore — if I asked and received, my brain has decreed that it doesn’t count, which then sends me into a rather dangerous spiral. Even admitting this much usually causes me to dive dive dive dangerously, but I think, I think, I’ve rolled this around in my head enough that I can put it into words for others to see finally. It’s rough progress of a sort, so I should make sure do to my part and affirm myself!
Anyways, part of my trying to make progress is this whole self-promotion thing, as well as attempting to make progress on my issues with rejection. Yes, I am totally like everyone else in that I don’t like being rejected. I’d argue it’s harder on me though since spending spoons has to be rationed, and rejection is telling me I wasted a chunk of what precious resource I have. So this is multi-fold — here I am, putting myself out there and saying, ‘Hello world, I hope you like what you see!’, and ‘If you like what you see, let me know and tell others!’. And of course, saying, ‘Hello world, I am totally awesome, and it’s okay for me to say that and I hope that you agree.’
So whatever happens, I put one foot in front of the other, and I’ve taken a step. I’m still having lots of problems right now with fluttering spiking anxiety so I can’t tell how I feel feel, but I think once the dust settles, I’ll be happy with myself. Whatever the end result, I made myself combat a demon. And that is awesome.