In spite of my happy little child-loving post yesterday, my anxiety continues to be pretty severe. I actually hit a point yesterday where I pretty much took myself offline just to not deal with people; with my default anxiety being heart-racingly high, I didn’t have a lot of resources to deal with other people making it worse by existing.
It’s still pretty bad this morning. While it’s hard to get a hand over my heart due to things like boobs in the way, it still feels like it’s beating a rumba in my chest. I’m doing my best to be mindful and to take soothing deep breaths, but it doesn’t change the fact it’s decided it wants to be going super-fast. And of course, I’m still wiped out from the last couple weeks of this mixed episode, so there’s a whole lot of, ‘Whelp, that sucks’ going on in my head.
The worst part, to me, is that if this keeps up, it’s going to affect my work and social life. At this exact juncture, I cannot imagine going to work tomorrow. I cannot imagine going to my Stitch ‘n Bitch group on Wednesday, if only for concern that this level of anxiety and driving would be a bad combination. I’m sure that if I really wanted to, I could tough it out and prove myself wrong on both counts, but that would require me having just a tiny bit more energy to burn. And honestly, I don’t think that’s terribly forthcoming considering the circumstances.
Of course, this isn’t me giving up. I’ll probably try my hardest to live this week as normally as possible. I’m just trying to recognize that I’m definitely not okay, and that I should be kindly to myself and default to taking care of myself because I am fortunate to have that option in my life. Even if current Western culture is to push and push harder, I know that’s no good for a fully healthy person, and significantly less so for me.
So for now, I am going to go get myself something to drink, and try to continue being kindly to myself in the hopes today will be enough to enable me to make it through the rest of the week. I sincerely hope that everyone else is having a good day.