I find myself at home again today… yay. Not.
I was definitely fortunate that last night was a serene and peaceful night for the household. Everyone seemed to be doing fairly well, and I certainly felt less on edge. I definitely appreciated it, considering how poorly my mental state is.
And even though I woke up this morning in a semi-timely manner, and cracked jokes and smiled at my family, I knew I wasn’t okay enough to venture out into the world. I’m pretty sure that extends to going out tonight as well; I feel too shell-shocked to consider operating a motor vehicle. That’s not even including feeling that I’ve earned going out with this staying in, though I admit that particular part of the equation is incredibly minor — I’ve worked very hard to not be self-flagellating, and I intend to keep up the good work in that regard.
But I do have to acknowledge that I am in a holding pattern. While I’m fending off the worst of the depression somehow, it’s pretty inevitable that it’s going to break through and be unpleasant. Or is that just self-fulfilling prophecy? I try my best to not shoot myself in the foot, but it feels so heavy and inevitable. Not enough for me to give up immediately, but still… soon. As I’ve said before, I’m running on pretty much no spoons, so there’s an increasing lack of resources to keep afloat with.
Anyways, here’s hoping I can keep holding on until this passes, right?