I’m at home again today… yay. ¬¬ I was feeling so out of sorts that I didn’t go to my biweekly Stitch ‘n Bitch gathering; I’ve only missed that once, and I was out of the country. I thought about it, and even getting a lift there and a taxi back sounded like too big a deal. Everyone is generally really nice and fun to be around, but I feel so fragile that I didn’t want to risk tipping myself out of the sanity boat while in a pub!
That’s the big problem with avoidance for the maintaining of sanity — you get mired and it’s really hard to get moving upward and onward. There’s a little voice in the back of my head tsking at me for still being curled up at home alone, but the rest of my brain and my body are telling me that I am doing the right thing, that I am not weak for taking care of myself. And of course, the best of the worst — if I’m obviously having such a big problem with being out in the world right now in spite of my otherwise fantastic progress, that means that the psychiatrists are going to be more amenable towards giving me something that helps… right?
But I don’t know that, and I don’t know that I can trick myself into moving on from the current state of being. I have no energy. I have no reserves. I have no shielding. I have to keep reminding myself that I qualify as sick, and that it does me no good to try to run or climb when I can barely walk (figuratively). I’m just so frustrated by it all, though I won’t sit here fretting over the why of it — it just is. It sucks, but it’s not going to magically go away just because I think positively or whatnot (though I will concede that positive thinking does have a minor effect).
Anyways, I’m still holding on and hovering above the void, which I’m grateful enough for. And, hopefully, next week I’ll be able to find a bit of inner strength to try and get back to doing and existing outside of my little corner retreat. 🙂
I hope that everyone is having a good day.