Well, the good news is that my mood continues to hold stable! The better (???) news is I have absolutely no idea how it’s doing it.
You see, this pregnancy has been rife with lots of stupid physical niggles. I had random migraines and super-headaches the week before Christmas break, for starters. They were probably all migraines, but as many went without auras (which is usually my first clue!), it made it harder for me to fairly judge. Fine, I can sort of suck that up; after all, I do tend to get migraines in a cluster. I didn’t feel particularly great over the Christmas holiday either, but I could sort of suck that up too.
So then, I hit the point I came off the Seroquel; that was about 2 weeks ago now. Within a day, I had the joy of insomnia (expected), a head cold (preexisting the coming off, but not realized until after), and some sort of surprise stomach bug. I’d read people claiming to have stomach problems after coming off of Seroquel, but as I’ve not been able to find any definitive coming off side effects (yes, I did check CrazyMeds! *grins*)… So that could have been bad luck of the draw, or lulzpregnancy, or who knows what. I do know it put me in bed for the better part of a week, which is noteworthy — I do not do bed rest. Being in bed for non-sleep/sex tends to stir my depression to suicidal points. So I tend to stay curled up in my chair here at my desk, ’cause it’s the best I can normally manage. But I managed to do okay; between my new haul of books and my 2DSes (though mainly the books, ’cause head issues still), I was able to entertain myself sufficiently to not sleep through the day and screw up my attempts to fight insomnia (much).
And even with crap sleep, I’ve managed to drag myself into work this week. I’ve been sub-migraine-y a lot because our office radiator is stuck to on, and I’ve found this past month that I overheat way too quickly and that it makes me feel sick pretty instantly. My husband has also banished himself to the couch because he’s had a cold and didn’t want his snoring to disturb my very disturbed sleep. Sure, I’m getting to sleep, but I’m waking up a lot right now. It’s pretty annoying, but I guess I’m getting back to sleep fairly quickly? It feels like I’m up all night, but when I come to in the morning, I remember enough dream fragments to assure me that sleep happened.
And bonus? I went to bed last night with a scratchy throat, which is definitely feeling worse now — sigh!
Usually, I’d grumble and be fine with all this. I’m doing a pretty good job of it right now. But because of my whole gravid state, I’m a hairsbreadth away from ‘HOLY CRAP EVERYTHING IS POSSIBLY A SIGN OF SOMETHING WRONG BABY ARE YOU OKAY?!’. This is why I am amazed that my mood is holding up; while most times I will joke that niggling physical pains and illnesses are a great distraction from the bipolar, they all can take on such an ominous light when carrying a kiddo-brick in one’s belly. Here at 20 weeks, at least, I have the reassurance of occasional flutters, letting me know the little one is swimming around and doing fine. I got to hear a strong, healthy heartbeat twice in the past month. I get to see him/her for the second (and probably final) ultrasound on Thursday. I can talk about any worries I have with my midwife, but I don’t want to let my brain shank me by making up worries that are over the top and probably not to worry about. I’m definitely wary of that in this post-medicine time, especially since they won’t approve me for my home birth for another 16 weeks.
So yanno, hopefully, the good mood and stability will continue to help me carry on in the face of all these stupid physical niggles. Hopefully, I will remember to make myself post here once or twice a week so I can make myself take stock of where I am. I think all of us who try to blog regularly understand how easy it is to fall off the wagon — we’re too busy, or too tired, or lacking in fancy ideas, blah blah blah. I certainly won’t say ‘no excuses’, because I hate hate hate that somewhat entitled and ablest ideology, no matter how well intended. Sure, it’s one thing if you say it to yourself, but anyways. That’s a potential discussion for another day.
I hope this finds you all well!