Things have been busy out here lately, and while there’s a lot on my mind, I’m not quite at a point to where I wish to talk about it. It’s nothing bad though, I assure you — just a lot of things in general. But I can say everything being done is being done with prioritization to my mental and physical health, so that’s awesome. *smiles*
There’s one thing that’s worth noting right now, and that’s how delightfully cogent I have been in the morning. I don’t think that will last once I’m back on the Seroquel, but for now — I’ve been using it as a time to get caught up on my daily blogging, and to try to spend a spoon or two in education mode as I can. For example, one of my dear friends posted this on Facebook overnight:
7 Things You Shouldn’t Say To Someone With Anxiety
And you know what? I went all out to try and explain why anxiety is totally unreasonable and stupid, and sufferers know the things they’re anxious about are unreasonable and stupid, but you know what? That doesn’t fix the broken wiring. I went so far as to explain one set of circumstances that pushes my anxiety to pretty suicidal levels, and I’ll share that here too (and if you’re also one of my LJ friends AND FB friends, sorry for all the repeat today, hee hee):
‘I am both blessed and cursed with a severe aversion to lying. I can’t even pretend to be what I am not without pushing myself into near-suicidal panic. Which is distressing, ’cause yanno, sort of a useful survival skill. Which is why I tend to use more resources than I have trying to explain things! Because I truly do want to help people understand for my sake and others, but because if I can’t hide it, well.
But it’s also why I make clear my stance against societal ‘niceties’ that I disagree with — pretending that I concur with them stresses me out to the point I want to end my life. This is not me being ‘dramatic’. This is a severe and dangerous fault in my broken wiring that I have NO idea how to work around besides utter honesty about the particular fault. So, of course, I prefer to just circle around it rather than having to out and out say these things! And yeah, normally wouldn’t just whip that out either, but I figured it was a prime example of ‘this is how anxiety is stupid and I know it is stupid but understand that it is stupid and just how dangerously stupid it can be’.‘
I have to be honest — I feel fucking fabulous for admitting that. Any time I can make myself break past the anxiety to explain some of its stupidity, I feel like it lessens its grip on me. Not all the way; I will never be happy being anything but who I am, and I don’t ever see a day asking me to be otherwise will be anything but distressing. After all, it invalidates me and my experience. It might not be a pretty one, but it’s mine, damn it. I am certainly happy when I can smooth out the ride, I don’t consider my existence or the way I function (however crappily) to be invalid.
So anyways, I can’t complain. I’m feeling fairly calm and happy about my life right now, even if it’s a bit busy and hectic. I’ll hopefully talk about that later, but for now — I’ve got pizza to eat. *grins*
Hope everyone is doing well out there.