Yeah yeah yeah, I got a bit quiet again. I had my reasons; I felt that someone was trying to justify harassing me in spite of set boundaries because *gasp* I want to write about my life in my own blog. I won’t go into specifics, but suffices to say it robbed me of resources I repeatedly expressed I did not have and has made it really hard for me to get around to poking my head in here.
Things are super-busy here. Because of the aforementioned, I won’t go into details at current, but things are at full tilt and then some. I’ve realized in the past day or two that this is starting to get to my mental health. I saw my psychiatrist yesterday morning and was doing mainly okay, but by evening I started to suspect I might be having mixed episode. I mean, it if is, it’s not a severe one per se, but. I did totally have a breakdown moment at work today, which didn’t help. I found out I was further behind on my work than I thought due to an oversight, which resulted in throwing my clipboard across the office and crawling under my desk to cry.
Having said that, it’s probably just stress in general from so much going on. I don’t feel particularly depressed or golden; when I’m hypomanic, I feel like I’m on the sunny side of a cloud and it is glorious. And while I did manage to assure my psychiatrist that I was getting back on my meds as soon as this kiddo was born and that I can only cope now due to the cessation of bipolar-related mood swings pregnancy hormones bring me. Coping is certainly the applicable word. But I have realized that I have managed some mastery over Scumbag Brain™® — I managed to get my head together enough to get us out of the office and back home. I managed to be polite and vaguely chatty with my husband on the way home even though part of my brain was insisting that I should totally ice him out. Hah brain, not gonna let you get me that way this time!
((I could probably say a lot more on the above, but that would require brain power I don’t have, because))
It also doesn’t help that my chronic fatigue has gone from bad to severe. I honestly can not remember the last time I felt this run down physically. It’s probably being aggravated by the fact that I am not sleeping well due to physical pain and discomfort; my poor husband has been on the couch since my birthday to give me space and quiet in the hope that my brain would remember how to sleep through the night again. Ha… ha… ha. It’s getting there, but man oh man, I will be so happy to get Seroquel back in me and helping make sleep better!
In general though, I feel things are mainly good. I’ve gotten to a place where I’m done with people invalidating me, my existence, and my health. Fed up with being treated like my existence is less, you know? I don’t consider myself an unreasonable person — I do my best to be ‘good’. I do my best to educate and share information as I can within my resource limits (which are very low, admittedly). I try to give people chances, but it just finally really started firming up in my brain that some folks are never going to respect me or treat me as valid. I can argue my case as well as I want, but it’s never going to happen. And that’s okay — it means that I can practice some of that letting go that I’ve been so slow in developing. And that’s an awesome step, whatever the circumstances that bring it around.
So anyways, here’s hoping for a restful and refreshing weekend for me, and for all of you out there.