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Coming Out Acon — 13 Comments

  1. Good job!!! Question, though: In my own extended family, my narc mother is known as the all suffering Angel, and I am the ne’er do well who of course would do something unjust like this. I’ve tried to explain to my closest cousins, but that backfired, as they aligned with her. Now I’m rid of those who clearly were not with me to begin with, but I also have no family at all now, except for my own child (an adult), who is autistic so he is made very uncomfortable by the whole thing.

    Have you managed to compartmentalize your life in a way that works for you?

    • Honestly? I cut and run. I have a relationship with both of my sisters, and my maternal grandmother. My little brother is welcome to have a relationship with me as well now that he’s not living with my parents. The three that I do have an active relationship understand that it is contingent on them respecting my privacy and not giving my parents information on myself and my children. My sisters are permitted to have my address (as they have both come to visit since this), while my grandmother has my in-law’s address (which was already known family-wide).

      Now, there are some contributing factors. For one, I was ever the red-headed stepchild; I am from my mother’s first marriage, while my three siblings are from her second. I grew up having it constantly reinforced that I was other, unrelated, not a real member of the family (to include one of my stepdad’s sister’s coming up to me at her father’s funeral and asking me how my real father was (!!!). As I have a cordial if distant relationship with my natural father (who had no desire to be a parent and I completely respect that), that was definitely a calculated move to wound.

      For second, I live in another country far far away. It’s hard to care what people ‘back home’ are saying about me, and I honestly cannot be arsed to fight the slurs that have been going on behind my back against me all my life. And I guess for thirds… I just don’t care. You can’t please everyone, and I got over trying to do that a looooong time ago.

      • I dig. When I lived on the other side of the world, I used to call twice a week ago I could hear my father’s voice. I loved my father, and we were big buddies until he became disabled and got Stockholm syndrome. He did get over that, and I was the only one with him when he died. So now I’ll keep my finger on the pulse from afar, show up to do the dirty work, then gone, gone.

        • And in that, I try to be loving and patient. Cognitive dissonance is rough, and when one party is putting all the pressure on having people buy their woe is me story, standing up against it just… what point is it, really? People are going to go where it’s easier, and that’s the side of the perceived victim.

    • I will add that in regards to my maternal grandmother, I made it clear that I had my reasons but that I wasn’t going to give them to her. That it would only end up with, if she tried to call my mother on any of it, my mother throwing up her hands about how hard she tried, how much she loves me… you know the score, anything to blame anyone but herself (and I told her that, that I know that’s what my mother would have done). So I didn’t provide my reasons. My sisters were able to understand well enough without a checklist, and to respect that I didn’t do it out of fickle spite.

        • I think they likely bought it for a long time… but things quit adding up when her repeated assertions that I ‘don’t communicate well’ are widely destroyed by the relative eloquency I have with the written word. One of my sisters, her cognitive dissonance once caused her to lash out at me for blogging, but that was some years back.

          • Gaslighting. Don’t gotta love it.

            I don’t have any siblings, which made the whole thing more complicated, but now my mother has recruited my cousins as her “real” children, making conditions perfect for triangulation! I caught myself doing that with my son. I don’t have to tell him what an ass my mother is, as she belittles me in front of him and even disdains him, her only grandchild, who has dragged himself out of drug addiction and is now finishing up his Ph.D. But mostly he is a wonderful person. But he won’t willingly go and visit her, so he’s shit in her book. Oh well, not a huge loss. But as my therapist says, it would be nice to have an actual mother….

          • Definitely. I am blessed to have an amazing mother-in-law, and my friends’ mothers often adopted without me quite realising that I needed it. When my BFFFFF’s mother gives me effusive praise, I feel like it’s genuinely meant and hits the heart good.

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