Man so, my brain was being especially stupid yesterday.
One of my dearest friends is very active on Tumblr. His account is the only one of more than 1-10 posts a day I follow… not on Tumblr itself because it would give me a nervous breakdown because he’s post-heavy, but via a reader. Like, I have friends who call their Tumblr a blog but I refuse to follow it because I’m sorry, a blog is words, not a million flashing gifs with a couple of words spattered across it. Just like, the entire structure of the site is stupid and makes me grumpy, which is why I barely use it.
Anyways, because this world of 7 billion+ people is disturbingly small, a person I knew on G+ followed him on Tumblr. The person on G+ never friended me back in spite of the fact I (felt that I) made it clear we had a mutual in someone who was part of me, and I ended up using too much spoons attempting to socialise with that imbalance. If I’m honest, it’s one of the reasons I quit using G+ on the regular — it was too spoon-nabbing to have my limited energy being poured down that drain.
To my bemusement, I’m apparently bitter about it some time later. Like, seeing pictures of the person triggers me bitter/stressed/anxious/etc. I had to ask my friend to quit reposting this person’s pictures because it was triggering me.k And the logical part of me is jumping up and down screaming what the hell brain, what the hell. I don’t know about y’all, but I’m logical enough that I spend an inordinate amount of time doing that. It’s also a part of why I just sort of grumble about people who think that CBT is a magic cure-all — I have applied the principles for years, but broken brains will do what broken brains will even if you emphatically know better.
This all went down last night, and left me feeling like the most selfish asshole in the entire world. I know it’s stupid. I should not have to ask a friend to stop doing something that is absolutely harmless and sweet because my brain is being stupid about it. But even after a few days of trying to ‘tough’ it out, I found myself getting more and more upset (which is a self-perpetuating cycle: see above ‘what the hell brain’). So I was bemused to wake up from a dream this morning wherein the person who ‘offended’ me and I had run into each other at a drive-in movie and chatted it out. I’d love for my brain to quit being stupid about it because I know this lady is a total sweetheart, and I am totally happy that she’s friends with my friend. How could I not celebrate a friend’s friendships, you know?
So yeah, sort of hoping my subconscious trying to suss it out last night means the conscious can handle it and celebrate their adorably sweet relationship… but we’ll see. For the moment, I’m going to be quietly headdesking because what else can I do with my brain being this level of Teh Dumb.
Hope everyone else out there is doing well, and that your assorted brains aren’t being tricksy assholes right now.