So after feeling so rubbish and depressed at the weekend, I’ve had a really good week? I’ve been really productive in doing work things, though admittedly my daily focus hasn’t extended much past that. I like working, even if it’s just data entry — it’s zennishly fulfilling, and it pleases me to know that my work supports the rest of the office.
In the same vein, the outing Wednesday was faboo. We met up at the pub half an hour before our dinner reservation, and something about being there and away from the kids meant I was able to zone out and get a few rows on my knitting done before the meal. The meal itself was grand, and the Pasta Al Forno I picked in remembrance of bat’s baked ziti from our last meal together back home in Texas was amazing. My only complaint is that I didn’t wait for it to cool long enough, and kept having that issue where it’s not quite mouth scalding, but it’s too hot to properly process. I know, patience is a virtue. It’s hard to rock that virtue when something this gorgeous is plopped in front of you. Which is to say, my dear Dyane, it was a good outing and I am happy to report back on this. 🙂
So yeah, between those things, I was feeling… not depressed, but wasn’t sure where I was really. And then this morning, my closest local friend (who happens to be the mother of Smallhausen’s best friend) messaged and asked if they could come around to hang out. I was pleased, as I had missed her, and Smallhausen had only moments before asking if she could see J. I was so pleased, I even decided to have a bath.
That’s when I realised things miiiight not be okay. Things miiiiight going too good. You see, baths are hard. They’re easier than showers (not that we currently have a shower), but they are exhausting and take a lot of motivation to get me through one. And indeed, I came out of it shaky as shit because I didn’t actually have the physical resources to get through it. Freshly cleaned hair is divine and always makes me perk up slightly, but like… yeah. Something misfired to convince me that I should do it and that I could do it.
Isn’t it grand, the bipolar life, having to doubt every good mood? Now I’m starting to wonder if I’ve returned to rapid cycling after so long. It’s really mild compared to how it used to be, but it’s still making me Wary as Fuck. The only ‘bonus’ is the up seems to be either equal to or greater than the down at current, so it’s like… do I want to mess with this? Can I deal with random near-crying jags? I don’t really know. At this point, I think that the smartest thing I can do is to keep tabs on it and see where it goes. Maybe that’s me trying to duck doing anything, or maybe it’s just me prudently keeping an eye on things to make sure that I know enough to get the right treatment.
tl;dr bipolar is harrrrrrd. But y’all know that.
I’m going to go back to knitting, ’cause knitting is fun and it makes me happy. Hope you guys are all doing well out there.