The past week or two had reminded me that happy and sad are not the same thing as hypomanic and depressed. I’ve been a bit depressed, yeah, but I’ve come out of it enough to like, do more than basic grooming. I’d realised I’d been wearing the same outfit for a solid week once I’d done the laundry; all I found in there of mine was underwear and socks. Whups. The less said about the state of my body hair, the better (having body hair is fine if that’s someone’s thing, but it’s not mine).
But that’s solely on depression, and has nothing to do with happy or sad. The sadness has been waxing and waning, and is slowly fading as the shock of the deaths wears off. I still need to drop a line to my friend whose wife died, but… well, no buts. I need to do it so he knows I’m thinking about him. You know how it goes — time passes, and it gets harder and harder to feel like it’s relevant when it still totally is. *forces self to stop writing this and to write that* Done.
This sad has been there, but running at the same time in parallel has been happy. I’m happy with my life, I’m happy with my family, and I’m still mainly pleased with my assorted hobbies and work and the like. I might be pouring myself into work and hobbies to distract myself, but I cannot feel bad about that. The sadness and depression were feeding each other as I mentioned in my last post, and if I can keep myself a little bit above it somehow, then it can only be a good thing (within reason, obviously). But also… feeling sad? It’s been this weird sort of luxury. I’m not sure that I’ve genuinely been able to let myself feel sad before. It’s a brutal and painful feeling, but it’s a feeling that everyone gets/should get, so I’m grateful in a weird way about it. Having it at the same time as my genuine joy at my life as it stands has been very good for reflection. I don’t know how else to say it but as that… I suspect most of you folks reading this understand what I mean.
So yeah, actual emotions like a real girl. Who’d’ve thunk it.
Having said that, I’m not really sure what my bipolar is up to. I’m slightly amused because I never thought my emotions themselves would mask my ‘mood’. Does that mean it’s okay? I… guess? I don’t really know what to think. That’s the downside of keeping oneself busy to mask a thing — it masks other things. Rude. But eh, whatever keeps a girl alive and out of too much trouble.
Hope y’all are doing well.