I’ve been feeling both up and down lately. I don’t think it’s a mixed episode, though yanno, any feeling of elation is going to make me suspicious… thanks brain, you’re a douche. I mean, it makes sense though. Death is not an easy shadow to shake off, even for someone who takes it on the chin like I do. I’m both over it and still hurting… grief isn’t a straight line, and I think we all agree that those two states can co-exist. At least I’ve done my little bit to permanently remember Ulla and Wendy on the network… it’s not much, but it’s something.
I think the main thing that’s eating me is that my anxiety has been on the up and up lately. I’ve been really freaking proud that I’ve been able to operate in silence the last couple of months. I’m back to a point where I need the radio or the television on for background noise or else I start to panic. Does that make sense to anyone else, or is it just me? I don’t think it’s a bipolar thing — I’m pretty sure it’s an ADHD thing. But it’s still there and it sucks. The only thing I can think of that is feeding anxiety specifically is that the little one has a check-up next week. And there is 500% no reason to be anxious about that. It’s a developmental check. We’ve done it before with her big sister. It’s even ‘easier’ this time because Littlerbit is really on the ball with a lot of her skills. The ones she’s not so hot on, we’re not worried about. But every time I think about the appointment, my heart clenches and my breath shortens. Stupid, isn’t it. Having said that, that’s sort of my generic reply to All Appointments Medical™®.
Still, it makes me worry that my meds are starting to not work right. I’m pretty sure that they are actually fine, but how much is denial, and how much is natural feelings. I’m still not to a point where I am bone weary having to weigh up each of my emotions and feelings to try and figure out if it’s bipolar or natural, seeing how my bipolar life is only ‘officially’ four and half years old. Well. It’s actually more like 20 years old, but anyways. As the bulk of being healthy~ is a fraction of the unwell time, I’m still willing to make the effort to monitor. I’m sure it’s going to get old in a few more years. For now though, I guess I can hope that things continue to work as well as they have been and probably still are. Breathe in, breathe out.
Really though, things are fine. Honest. 🙂
[[radio edit]] This is apparently my 1,000th post on the blog. I am very pleased by this!