Motivation, Marriage, etc
Afternoon dears, and all of that jazz. I’m actually feeling a severe lack of motivation, and am thereby grateful for the fact there’s a song by that name (lyrics) that I rather enjoy, AND find to be most relevant. I’m just sort of listlessly dragging through the days this week, and I find that I can’t bring myself to care one way or the other. 🙂
The last day or two, I’ve been thinking on the whole institute of marriage thing. I, myself, am married, and don’t feel like I had to do it to fit some social or religious norm. I did have to do it to enable myself to stay in this country, but that only is relevant in that it caused us to get it done and over with in short order. This was fine by both of us – the fanciest I could’ve envisioned would have been something incredibly basic outdoors with no pavilion and probably pizza at best. What we got was a lovely little ceremony at the local registry office (which is definitely a step nicer than the JoP jobby in the States!), and down to the pub to chat with our friends for an evening. It was basic, it was simple, and it didn’t mean that we started our joint life up to our ears in debt.
However, I know that I have a lot of friends who do feel that the institute of marriage is some sort of shackle set, that it’s somehow agreeing to do what Deity says, that it’s not fair if gays can’t have it just the same (the government is working on that here, but I think that it’s kind of perilous to try and force churches to change even if some people think that’s what needs doing :P), and so forth. I guess it’s hard for me to understand why people let themselves work under the false premise that they have to have a ceremony (you don’t), that it’s necessarily religious (you don’t have to do that either), and the one that I get the least – people thinking that it’s some magical portal and that somehow your relationship is going to be fundamentally different. Honestly, I just think people get these crazy ideas about what life ‘should’ be like from watching too many movies and TV shows, and don’t realize that it’s normal and healthy to fight, to argue, to not always get along. Or, the one that gets me, that it’s somehow weird spending time with your spouse? My husband is one of my best friends, and we’re always glad to be in each other’s company. And while we’re still new to it all in all (it’ll be our fourth anniversary in July), I am fairly confident that we have the skills needed to keep going for a long time, the skills in question being communication and huggles. *nodnods*
But really, what I think the rambling is trying to say is thus – I think people are so scared to fail that they just don’t want to even try. I’m a ditherer, so I have some mild sympathy for this sort of mindset. But as I sit here watching my daughter chew on a tambourine (gotta love teething!), I smile, and pat myself on the back for being willing to take risks and put my heart on the line. There was a lot of hurt along the way, but all in… it was worth it. Especially since my husband didn’t have to pay a dowry of two cows to get me, hee hee – hooray for not being chattel in modern-day marriages! xD
Anyhoose, enough nonsense for today. Have a good day, if that’s your thing!
I’m with you on the less fuss approach to a wedding ceremony. Jason and I wanted to approach what we did in a way where whatever we did it was because it’s what we wanted. Hence the destination wedding. 14 people total including me and him. Short ceremony, we say our own vows, and reception dinner by the pool. And then it’s like a family vacation for a couple days afterwards. Yeah it’s costing a bit of money, but it’s coming out of money we already had saved. We already have a house so it’s not like we’ll be married AND THEN have to start saving all over again. Everything else is coming out from Jason’s parents who said they’d pay just as much as they gave his brother for his wedding (which was a simple JOP and then backyard reception months later).
Then we have a party with everyone else when we come home. A nice outdoors party with brunch!
As for the institution of marriage. After seeing my parents’ marriage fail after 32 years I didn’t put much stock in it. But we figured that we were best friends and we’re better together than we are apart. We wanted to make a commitment. Plus he asked :p Yeah I’m totally scared of failing, but at least I know that I’m totally capable of being my own person and living on my own. I’m (today!) 28 years old I’ve been my own person long enough to know how to be an adult out in the real world without a partner that if I had to I could do it again. Not that I want to. It’s sooooo much easier going through life with someone else. Well, not just anyone. I found the person it’s easier to go through life with.
I’m very big on the best friend thing, since I couldn’t imagine spending my life with someone that I didn’t want to hang out with all the time. It just seems… strange, I guess. 🙂 As for the institution… I realize I forgot to be a bit more balanced on the side of the fact that it’s overhyped to milk people dry (diamond engagement rings compliments of DeBeers, the white dress compliments of Queen Victoria), and that it’s not the end all have all of togetherness. Also, need to find where my brain went, ’cause I’ve totally lost train of what I was trying to say! xD
My first engagement ring was his grandmother’s. So….it was free! Yay! But it totally wasn’t my style unfortunately. But because we already had the diamond we had the blessing of his mom (who really was fine with it) to take the diamond out and put it in a new setting. Diamonds are ridiculously over priced FOR REALZ. And my new engagement ring is just as simple as the old, just with a bit of engraving and in white gold not yellow gold.
I do have an actual wedding dress though. I’m in love with it. I think that almost makes me a girly girl 🙁 But I got it for wicked cheap. $300 is NOTHING when it comes to wedding dresses.
Hah, no – that’s totally reasonable. Mine was custom made (and not terribly wedding-y, I admit), and all it cost me was materials. If you include the train ticket to London, I guess that’s about $150. *nodnods* As for rings – Neil found a wedding band set that we fancied, so just found a very simple diamond ring to pair with it. And by simple, I mean there’s nothing poking up to stab me in the face – progress!
Do you really not have to have a ceremony? I know that you don’t have to have a religious service, but I thought that the legalities insisted that you have to go through the vow-taking etc, in order to be legally married, in the UK at least? That counts as a secular ceremony to me, anyhow.
As far as the UK is currently still concerned – yes, you still have to have a ceremony. This may or may not be changing with the current debate set that has been going through the Commons, though I admit that I’ve not followed it more than seeing that night weddings are definitely on. 😀 But I think I meant it more in the sense that you don’t have to do the song and dance fandango and can opt for a simple exchanging of vows instead; too many people get hung up on the white dress and all its entrapments.
I admit, the hopeless romantic in me is excited to have a wedding but we are doing it for uber cheap. We’re looking at $1000 as the absolute max we are willing to spend and hopefully far less. We are going going to do a JoP and then have a small get together for whatever family and friends come to Chicago to celebrate with us. There’s a beautiful old building downtown that has a Tiffany stained glass dome that they do JoP weddings at so I’m excited to have a beautiful backdrop for nothing more than the $50 for the marriage license.
For us, the reasons to get married are pretty straightforward. One, I don’t want my parents having any say in my medical decisions. They don’t know me and I don’t feel they would make choices in accordance with my desires. So, by marrying Brad, I can trust I have someone who will put my wishes first and foremost. Two, tax benefits. Nothing else needs to be said on that front. I’m not one of those people who believes that marriage will keep someone around, that’s for sure. We already have the baby, so, obviously we aren’t too “traditional”. We live together, we are raising a child together, I don’t work so he’s the sole form of monetary support for the whole family. In essence, we already are married. The piece of paper just gives us the added legal benefits of our current situation.
If I had unlimited money, I would love to throw a huge blowout affair with all my family and friends and the big white dress, the whole shebang, I can’t lie. 🙂 But, we have one income, a mortgage, a car loan, student loans, a newborn baby, medical bills and random other stuff to pay. All of those things are more important than a big wedding to us. I can guarantee I will get flak from my father though about him not being able to walk me down the aisle. Not looking forward to that conversation with him. (Eeep!)
Wow, I sure did ramble there didn’t I?
Hee hee, ramble as you will or won’t. 🙂 Even if I had unlimited funds, I wouldn’t’ve gone much fancier than what we ended up doing – having to be nice to people who I frankly think need to be dead or jailed makes me have anxiety attacks at the necessity of flat-out lying. I guess I’d’ve liked to actually had friends there, but in the end… doesn’t matter.
As for tax breaks – not the case in this country. You get child benefit for the child (though we waited until I had permission to settle, to be on the safe side – you’re not supposed to take benefits if you’re not a citizen or settled), which is nice and useful, but no tax breaks for being married as of yet. The government is in discussion of such, but then people complain about that too. I don’t know why – I seriously have a hard time understanding why so many minds have marriage = churchtastic beat into their brains. Maybe this is because I didn’t have to go to church often growing up, hee hee, and my parents JoP’d it too. 🙂
We have been in some discussion of spending our “wedding budget” on a trip to AZ for Con as a pseudo honeymoon. That way we can see a lot of our friends and celebrate that way. We shall see though. I never quite understood why married couples get tax breaks here but I’m not going to complain when it means I can give the government a little less of my money. I know when I was younger I thought of a wedding as a religious thing, but my dad’s family is very Catholic so weddings meant long boring affairs for me. Then I got older and realized there is so much more to a wedding and a marriage. I had always planned on doing things the ‘proper’ way of marriage then baby but…things happen. lol. I notice that a lot of the religious folk that talk about marriage and church hand in hand are the same sort that fail to realize that a marriage does not make a perfect happy couple who will be together forever. A couple will be together or not based on compatibility and how much they are willing to compromise when necessary. Not because they have the same last name. I know I’m preaching to the choir, so to speak, on that though.
Neil and I did that – we went to Con for psuedo-honeymoon, and he got to see the people and places that I picked him over. *giggles* And really, it’s as good a way as any to celebrate togetherness, I suspect. 😉