Confessions of a Thinkering Sort
I have a confession to make – I often feel very stupid as compared to my friends. This isn’t because many of them are ‘educated’ and have a piece of overpriced paper that say so. It’s because I surround myself with delightfully cogent and articulate people who are capable of arguing and offering up their points of view in a manner worthy of consideration.
It is worth of emulation and worthwhile stimulation, and I feel very late to the game as compared to them. You see, I’m not the best at framing and supporting arguments. I’m getting a lot better at it from practice, but there’s always this tiny nagging voice in the back of my head insisting that someone is going to tear me and it apart and show just what a stupid poopyhead I am (the terror! *laughs*). Add in the fact that my head has been a ball of fuzz since moving to this country and it’s no wonder why such august company can be imposing! After all, beauty fades, joints fail, but we have our brain forever (hopefully), and I definitely would rather be remembered as smart, clever, and articulate than pretty with a great rack (even if those are both true). It doesn’t help that I also have the attention span of a goldfish; while writing this, I’ve gotten up to go stare out the door, circled the table half a dozen times, clicked through every other tab at least three times, and even looked at my work pile once or twice. It’s hard to feel smart when there is a lack of focus!
So even though I feel a fake (and even more so when a friend actually asks for an opinion – the terror of the spotlight!), I’ll keep chugging through and trying to expand my brainbox and its mighty powers. I know, know that I’m becoming more cogent and articulate with practice. I know that I’ve got some good and reasonable things to say and things to add to discussions, and even nearly have it figured out when to butt out too! And y’know, if I keep up at it, maybe inner confidence will eventually match outer confidence. I suspect it will in time. 🙂
I don’t think that any reasonably smart person doesn’t have these self-doubts – I know that I lived for many years in terror of being ‘found out’ as nowhere near as competent and intelligent as those around me seemed to think I was. And reading Stephen Fry’s autobiographies – he also confesses his utter panic at what might happen when people realise his shortcomings… I wonder whether it might be linked to the truism of the more that you know, the more that you realise that you don’t know and that just makes so many of us want to run shrieking for the safety of a cupboard where nobody can find out how deficient we truly are!
There is definitely some truth to that, mon ami! I am thrilled that there is always more to learn, and that today’s Internet makes it even easier to find things of interest, but that doesn’t make me feel any less at times.
I could say more, but first I’ve got to rescue the brain from under Snot Mountain… oh pollen. <3