Something Different (But Probably Not)
I’ve noticed the last couple of days that my motivation is sort of gone. Okay okay, it’s been a couple of weeks now. But the past week has seen one significant difference – I’m not bullying myself to go do things and be productive. I’m not quite sure if this counts as wallowing, but I figure it’s worthwhile to see how laying off of myself goes.
I’m sure this sounds sort of ‘What are you on about?’ to most people. After all, we all need time off… right? Well yes, but as I have absolutely no concept of relaxation due to Things™®, I’m slow coming around to how important laying off oneself is. I’ve always needed to stay on top of doing things because otherwise, nothing would get done. I used to have pretty much negative spoons on a daily basis due to probable endometriosis, and at any time, I tend to forget to do things if I don’t do them in a certain manner/order/etc. So I have had to be a brutal taskmistress to see anything done. Trust me – I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. It does not lend itself to a high quality of living when you have to be that rough on yourself.
So what I’m trying for the moment is laying off myself, giving myself more permission to not try so hard. While anxiety means that I will probably never quite get the hang of relaxing (something so many people take for granted, being able to do this!), at least I’m trying to figure it out, to give myself the leeway to say ‘feh’, and not feel bad about it. I still would like normal things to not be a total struggle (wherein my physical state can mainly handle it now, but my mental still has hangups and dramas), and to have the strength to continue stating that I am not well, back the heck off… rather than pretending I’m this imperviously strong critter that one better not mess with. Maybe if I keep laying off myself, I’ll have the energy spare to do this – it’s worth a go. And whatever the case, I can still work on the baseline that anyone who isn’t going to respect me and my needs, strong or weak, is not a fit addition to my life and needs immediate culling. 🙂
As for the rest of y’all – have a good Thoisday!
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