One thing that has always made my week-to-week survivability a jungle is not being able to concisely pin down where on the spectrum my mood is. I think I have easier-to-map patterns than many of my other friends with bipolar, but that doesn’t magically tell me if I’m up or down. There are little ways I can tell, obviously – if I’m wanting nothing to do with anyone, if I’m wanting everything to do with everyone, for example. And it’s a fine example, because I’ve been doing just the latter lately; I’ve been trying to reach out and make it clear that I am willing and able to socialize with people – bring it on.
Well, willing… not as sure on able. I put out a pretty friendly all-call on Facebook yesterday, and while I am glad that I did it, I ended up feeling a bit shaky and worn out from even that much effort. I’m glad that I did it, that there was some modicum of spoon to at least try to get myself out there. I’m suspecting that might be something resembling a hypomanic episode, though it’s hard to tell due to the influence of where I am/might be in my monthly cycle. I’ve worked really hard in recent times to quash the biggest side effect of such episodes – the desire to take on projects (LIKE A CHAMP!), so it’s likely squirting out in other ways, such as this ability to push towards sociability. It’ll be good while the episode lasts, but semi-difficult to maintain once the inevitable return to depression occurs. Add in the fact that, as a stereotypical introvert, I abhor small talk, and it’s not always easy to break out and establish ‘new’ relationships. Now, if I can start a conversation by shouting, ‘Ketchup!’ and going from there…
Actually, I just found this while looking around; perhaps it can serve to explain a bit better to extroverts why introverts dislike small talk:
Why Introverts Hate Small Talk
As the author suggests – there’s nothing wrong with small talk if that is how you and your fellow extroverted folks want to operate with each other. Introverts know this, and we appreciate this. But as the author also states – it is inauthentic, shallow, and cuts into time we could be thinking and engaging. Yes, it is a useful metric for many, but that doesn’t mean it should be the only way to approach people. I know that me, as an introvert, has no qualms sharing what’s truthfully on my mind and offering genuine slices of it; perhaps it can be said that a feature of introverts is that we are less afraid of putting ourselves out there because we do not always put ourselves on show? I wouldn’t call that science fact, obviously, but it does make sense as a probable trait.
I forget where I was going with that, heh. I think the point is that I need to take advantage of the state of my mind, whether it be hypo or not, to try and break a little more ground with people, see if I can get some relationships moved to the point where I can drop in mid-thought and not confuse the person I’m conversing with. I know that once I get a relationship past that point, it’s much easier to maintain regular conversation without feeling quite as drained by it. So we’ll see, we’ll see.
For now, back to work. To the rest of y’all – have a good Thusday. 😀