The upshot of surviving a suicidal-pushing depressive episode is how empty it leaves you feeling. Maybe it’s just me, but having all that sudden rage and sadness out… it’s a relief. It was horrible, it was terrible, and vanity was about the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid. I’m lucky – these episodes don’t happen that often; I can use force of will to keep myself afloat most of the time. That doesn’t mean it’s an easy battle, because it never is. How does one successfully wage war with their own mind, after all? I realized after the fact things I could have tried to distract me – there was a book at hand, a puzzle magazine, sleep if I could manage it (not that I like day sleeping). But being in such horrid physical pain (I’d rather give birth every month; that hurts less and lasts less time), it kind of takes out the bottom of one’s ability to support oneself against oneself.
But anyways, I might talk a bit more about that tomorrow; today is definitely for zoning out and enjoying the calm after the storm. 🙂
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