I’m just sort of here today; there is no up or down, little left or right, and almost nothing on my mind. I’ve actually been annoying the crap out of myself for the past two hours trying to think of something, anything to say today, and I keep drawing up a big fat nothing. No, instead I’m idly browsing the net, wandering about in Lord of the Rings Online, and feeling like I’m on the edge of… something… but I know not what.
I’m amused to think this is probably the state in which most people relax. I think that I’ll get there one day, but that still requires a lot of work fighting down anxiety and the patterns that feed it. I know there are techniques out there that can help, but they still make me laugh. There are times I’ll logic and breathe and rationalize for all I’m worth, but it doesn’t do a thing. I’m not giving up though, and I know I have made some progress in that regard in the past couple of years. The relaxation doesn’t quite follow suite though due to fears of passing out. No, not because of my famously low blood pressure (though probably less low than it used to be when I was a stick figure), but because endometriosis is incredibly horrific on a body, and I am already getting back to the point where I am short a bit more energy with each passing cycle. Combine being increasingly physically exhausted with the jerkstore known as insomnia, and it’s not a terribly tenable situation. Medication has been a boon in that regard, since remembering to take it appropriately helps ease me into sleep in spite of my brain’s desire to race all over existence. All of it makes for a terribly difficult climb towards the concept of relaxation, though I know, I know, it’s mainly in my head. *snorts* Now, if that admission ever fixed anything…
Ah well… I guess I shall roll my shoulders, take a deep breath, and try to be floppy. ‘Cause that’s sort of what relaxation sounds like to me, and if I can pull it off, it’ll probably be a good thing. *grins*
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