There isn’t terribly much on my mind today, which I once again class as awesome. Oh sure, I keep catching the occasional racing/nagging/intrusive thought, but on the whole I’m well enough right now to shrug off an argument that never happened (in this case, someone from our energy company checking our meter installation was incredibly insulting and condescending (a year ago!), and I still wish I’d told him off for his presumptive classist bullshit). I have felt mainly okay for long enough now (a couple of weeks) that even having accidentally missed a day of meds didn’t do any harm. While I have no intention of un-medicating myself at this time, I can understand a bit better why people can get to the point where they think that they’re fine without… when they’re really not.

Having said that, there will be a near future date that I will want and need to stop taking meds. I’m currently trying to get pregnant, and brain meds + pregnancy = highly discouraged. I feel as if my choice is my sanity, or my sanity – staying medicated would require a medical hospital birth, and that would cause a severe nervous breakdown. Or I can go without meds and hope that the suicide attempt of the other month was indeed the one massive depressive incident in the hopes that I make it through relatively sane, and have another home birth. This is more preferable, because this is something I know I can tough through if need be. I managed to make it to 30 without regular medication (which I still class as less than ideal!), and I already know that homebirth is something I can readily do. Even the thought of doing it in a center is too stressful for me; I opted for homebirth because the inclusion of extra noises, lights, people and all the energy those items contain would prevent me from being able to focus on breathing, thereby shorting out the fear-tension-pain cycle.

I know that there are many who would suggest I should stop taking pills altogether, especially if I believe in something as holistic as natural childbirth.  But that’s where the fooling comes in – I won’t be fooled into thinking that I will magically learn a new trick that will progress me to a point where I can cope without medicines at this time. I have applied CBT since I was a teenager, and I have felt that I have made much better progress in that regard with the stability that meds provide me. Yes, I am lucky enough that there is a drug that does help me, and that I have a doctor who is willing to work with me to (once I’m done with the childbirthing thing again) tailor a slightly better cocktail to give me even more stability so I can brain through things. Yes, I accept that medicine might not work forever, but then – does anything? Dealing in absolutes is dangerous and foolish; what is true yesterday may not be true tomorrow. All I know is that I want the tools to make me a better, healthier person, and I’m using what is at my disposal for the moment. 🙂

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