I’m sure there are people wondering why I blog every single day. Even if there’s nothing to be said, I slightly harass peoples’ various streams by saying, ‘Still here’. Well, the long and the short of it is that I do this for myself. It forces me to try and think about my state of being, which is so easy to ignore and bury under a pile of distractions. And when you’ve not got a vague fix on where you are on the good-bad scale, the bad can especially blindside you. Okay, my worst depressive episodes come out of nowhere, but the rest of it – this gives me some idea of when it’s coming so I can bunker down and weather it.
Having said that, I also write this in the hopes that my words strengthen others. Whether it’s knowing that they are not the only ones, or that it IS possible to strongly express self, it makes me so happy when I hear my efforts have enhanced a friend’s life. I’m especially happy when I hear that it has encouraged a friend to consider sharing their side of the story. As we’re part of a world that wants us to shut up and hide away our suffering, it is the ultimate defiance to claim ones-own voice. It helps strengthen all of us who our brain battles against ourselves, against terrible stereotypes, against a society that needs educating. And in the end, it’s all the worse because it is an individual battle at the core, and it is so damned lonely. We can rally for and support our friends with all of our beings, but in the end, it’s them versus their own demons. It’s me versus my own demons. Knowing that my friends and loved ones care does help the fight, but it’s still one flimsy arrow against all-consuming darkness.
Of course, I’m nowhere near giving up. I am stubborn and I want to see this life thing through, wrinkles, walking frames and all. There are times when the Bipolar is going to win a few skirmishes, but I am determined to do my best to win the war. And if I can help a few friends along, then all the better.