I was talking to one of my best friends earlier this week, and she was expressing her support of The Bipolar Blogger Network. She then went on to say that she would not be participating for one salient reason – it’s not terribly supportive for the message to be, ‘Once again, my bipolar has yet to effect me in any significant way‘. In this period of extended stability, I can commiserate with that sentiment. I feel like I’m beaming sunshine so hard that people should be lining up to give me a good solid facepunch, and I wouldn’t blame ’em either. Cheerfulness isn’t’ a bad thing, obviously, but if your brain is being especially cruel and foul to you… one isn’t going to be inclined to want to grit their teeth and pretend they appreciate getting doused in it.
Having said that, I realized last night that I’m probably taking a turn to the hypomanic. I just felt too damned good yesterday, the kind where you fully expect rainbows to shoot out of your backside. Then I also realized that my focus has kind of wandered off (to only be specifically focused on x and y things that aren’t say… my gainful employ), the paranoia sneaking in slightly, and there’s been a few minor dinks attempting to take down my mood. Because I have been on this, frankly, unusual period of stability, I can’t really predict what’s going to happen. I’m also trying to not dwell on it too much, ’cause that risks becoming self-fulfilling prophecy.
I also had a (possibly snotty) mulling on whether or not those of us with bipolar do better making the most of ‘normal’ when we achieve it for whatever period we do. I know that I’ve been savoring each day that goes past feeling brighter than average; I might not be trying to climb mountains or rack up meatspace achievements, but I am relishing feeling balanced. But then, even as a child, I prayed for contentment. Not wild happiness, not gleeful orgies – contentment. Balance. After all, a pair of fishies once taught us:
‘For every up there is a down
For every square there is a round
For every high there is a low
For every to there is a fro ‘
Yeah… I’d rather the pendulum not move. Stop the ride, it’s making me dizzy!
But I guess for now, I’ll just do my best to enjoy what’s what before it changes, for only a great fool bemoans fortune. Plus, I get to bake tonight, and that generally makes all the things fantastic.