My little party yesterday went well… I think. I know that I throw a good relaxing shindig, but that doesn’t prevent the mind from panicking that I did it all wrong, that it was boring, that… well. I’m sure my mind could freak out a lot worse if not for the fact that I *know* I am not a bad hostess. My friends are happy to seek my company when I am amenable to hosting, and they surely wouldn’t do that unless I was doing something right… right?!
Hostessing also suits my various needs and neuroses. I don’t have high socialization needs; having Stitch ‘n Bitch every other week is pretty spot on for getting me by. But leaving the house… eh. I’m not shy, but I tend to get rather paranoid when I’m out and about, and even more stressed if I don’t have complete control over my environment//coming and going. I accept that it’s normal for most people to want some basic control over their life, but I’ve often used the fact my socialization needs are low to try and force the ball into my own court and environment. At home, I’m as close as I get to relaxed, and thereby can give my guests the best of me. I know I am getting better in that regard, because my Stitch ‘n Bitch attendance proves that I can try a new environment, and eventually develop a comfort level with it. That works with friends too, of course – I have friends whose houses I have almost no issue going to upon invite because their environment feels enough an extension of mine to enable me to ‘relax’ most of the way. But yes, because everybody ‘knows’ that I don’t want to go out (and thankfully, have no real local friend base to demand such of me), I can engage in my avoidant behavior. I can’t necessarily say it’s a bad thing because it’s self-preservation, and I do take up social opportunities of the non-drinking kind as they come up.
Anyways, long story short – I had a good time, and it will hold me for some time. I’ll be raring for it by the time the next ‘scheduled’ event comes up (I usually do a 4th of July BBQ with another ex-pat friend at one house or another), but until then… I guess we’ll see. For now, back to trying to game and relax a bit, ’cause that’s a good weekend thing to do.