A House of Cards
I am lucky to have a fantastic husband. He loves me and gives his all to help enable me to take care of myself, and I appreciate it more than words could ever express. But… he’s human too. And he’s just as fragile as anyone else, and he’s got the weight of a world on his shoulders. There’s me in my fragility, our child, work, his family… it’s a lot for any one person to deal with. And, as I’ve learned from my own experiences, we tend to neglect ourselves when we have everyone else to deal with.
It’s hard to support your supporter. While they are completely deserving of all the good things and treatment, there is this problem where you’re a bit too broken to be able to hold it together to make sure they get the support and time off that they need. I am terrible about reminding my husband to take a break, and even when I do, he often shrugs it off; he knows that routine serves us all well. And I know that to be true; routine has shown itself to be a fantastic way to keep my mood stabilized for whatever odd reason. But that means he’s on the run from dawn to dusk, while I stare on bemusedly. I could try harder to remind him to stop and catch his breath, but that runs the risk of unbalancing me, rendering the well-intentioned attempt moot.
Then there’s always the chance for guilt to sneak up and club you. It’s a friend of depression, you see – it lays in wait to tell you what a loser you are for needing so much support. We all need support, we all need someone to lean on, sure… but you? Feh, can’t stand on your own, how sad, how pathetic. Never mind that’s not always true of bipolar and/or depression, and that we all have times where we cannot stand without the support of others… but it doesn’t stop ‘Friend’ depression from trying to knock us down with it. And it does a good job of keeping one down at the best of times; how can one confidently offer support and freedom to their supporter if they are not confident in their ability to make it a mere few hours on their lonesome?!
But eh, we do the best we can do, and try to do the best for those most directly affected by our existence. It’s not easy when the construct as so fragile as to be knocked over by a breath of wind, but we can either try to pick ourselves back up and keep trying to lean on each other, or give up in a pile. It’s an exhausting thought either way, so I’m just glad that I’m still sort of holding on. That we are sort of holding on, that we try to keep each other in the loop about how we’re feeling so we CAN slipshoddily support each other. It’s worth it, after all.
<3
I so get what you are saying! For years I felt so bad because my husband was the glue holding everything together, while I just lay in my depression or rage in my bipolar mania. Me, me me… All I cared about most of the time was who was going to support me? And it hasn’t been until recently that I have been trying my hardest to support him. After all, he is the one that busts his nuts every day making the money to support us all. And while there are some things he still needs to work on in the support department, I’m pretty sure there are some things for me to work on too. Marriage is difficult.. throw in kids, and it is even more challenging, throw in a mental disorder, and damn, we are fucked! LOL
We just have to keep chugging along and keep going and keep loving and caring… Some days it is harder than others. Thanks for the reminder. 🙂
As my mother often says – this too shall pass. It’s a bit fatalistic, but it’s done a lot of good for me over the years.
As for my poor husband… in some ways, he was the first and only person I felt I could truly lean on, so I’m always askeered I’m going to crush him. I end up having these battles in my head so that I continue to take advantage of his bountiful love, rather than risking resentment and self-poison by not letting him do what he wants to do to support me. But on the other hand, I am so petrified of taking him for granted that I probably overdo expressing my gratitude. *chuckles* Or probably not; I bet a lot of my confirmation of his awesomeness is in my head… I do tend to have a richer inner dialog than I realize.
I seem to end up being the supporter more than the supported (avoiding my own problems perhaps?) and from that perspective I can tell you that love changes your capacity for support. If you love someone, the gravity around them is completely different, their burdens weigh less, hurt less, and your energy and compassion expand to fit their need.
The best thing that anyone can do to support their supporter, in my opinion, is to acknowledge how hard it can be, acknowledge the anger and resentment that can crop up (and let them know that they are not jerks for feeling it) and thank them. There is always something small you can do to express love and gratitude– do that.
Gratitude is definitely important, and at the forefront of my relationship. It makes sense, after all! 🙂