Once again, me forgetting to scribble things down robbed me of the idea I had for here – fie, fie! So I guess, instead, I’ll opt for a status report.
On the way home from work yesterday, I was talking to my husband about the state of my mood. I commented that depression and tears were right below the surface, but that the surface was thicker these days. Instead of a single sheet of paper, it’s more like a nice bit of plastic, or perhaps a non-Newtonian fluid that continues to support me as long as I can keep my brain moving. I like that comparison, since I often mental liken depression to very obvious comparison of the Swamp of Sadness from The NeverEnding Story. I can’t give into the sadness lest it pull me down; as hard as it might be, I need to keep trying to think positive if I want to survive (though I won’t fritter that at the Southern Oracle, nosiriee Bob!).
It’s inevitable the sad part of depression will catch up with me. It always does; that’s part of having Bipolar. I can only hope that because I’m not quite as rutty as the ‘old’ days, it will enable me to keep moving enough to hold it at bay… or at best, keep it from being too severe. Part of me wishes it would come and be over with, because waiting sucks. But I’m also scared that I’ll lose too much control and do something reckless, and not fun reckless. Getting angry and upset to the point of physically lashing out feels good, but I can’t fob it off on a pillow and call it job done. I want to see things break, to hear smashing and cries of pain; that’s where the release point is. That is NOT a healthy thing, yo. So it’s like the song says – I can’t get no//Satisfaction. Because I deeply care about consequences. Because I deeply care about my friends and family and home. And so I keep trying to keep my head above the muck, because it’s the best for everyone involved.
So yeah, it’s fair to say that there’s a ticking time bomb element too. I’m sure that resonates with many of you, and while I feel a knee-jerk reaction to be embarrassed or abashed by that? I won’t give into it. As has been said by many a wise head of mental health conditions –your brain is trying to kill you. That we are able to even attempt to minimize damage and be our own personal bomb squad is a strong demonstration of how strong we have to be to get by. We really should pat ourselves on the back for that, because that’s one of those things that might just give us the strength to keep fighting. Tick, tock. Tick, tock, tick tock…
So anyways, I do my best to keep my mind moving, and hoping…
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