I was thinking about what I wrote yesterday, and I think I neglected one important piece of the puzzle – like everyone else, I still desire and need affirmation. I know that I have friends who think I don’t because I reject their (in my brain’s wonky opinion) kneejerk saccharine ‘You’d say that to anyone’ response. Which isn’t completely fair — it’s not other peoples’ faults that their response to a screaming attention-seeking drama queen is worded the same as something they might mean genuinely. Nor is it their fault that I ‘need’ different or better and can’t tell them what I need (because if I do, then it doesn’t count/devalues any potential response and will only make my depression more severe).
It’s a pretty nasty trap, if I do say so myself. And, I know, is one of those stand-out things that tell some folks that I’m too crazy to deal with, and probably not their time. Which is fine to a point — we all need to make value judgments that make our lives better. I think I’m worth it, but that’s because I know what I have to offer to someone I deem worthy of my limited spoonage. Sure, it hurts a bit when someone makes it clear you’re no longer value for their life, but better that than ‘being nice’ indefinitely. After all, we can’t like everyone, and we can’t be liked by everyone. Time spent pleasing everyone is time not well spent (though obviously, it is still mete to be kindly and considerate, ’cause good breeds good).
Having said that, I’m still bumping along. It’s not fantastic, but it’s vaguely functional. So yanno, counting small blessings as I may.