I’m at the point of things where I feel whiny. I don’t want to do anything, I want to just go back to sleep or stare at the ceiling or cry… yanno, anything but drag myself onwards through the day. What’s the point? I’ll rise and wake tomorrow for more of the same. But I can’t think like that, or I’ll lose. And yet, it’s so seductive to give into the darkness, isn’t it? Why bother, why care, it serves no purpose. Slide down, slide down, now isn’t that fun, now isn’t that fun, but lo, there is no ladder from the bottom of the pit…

So yeah, can’t let myself think like that, as seductive as it is. Instead, I’m stacking up every tiny victory in my day to try and encourage me to keep dragging myself onward. It’s difficult, especially when little chemical jolts of sad occasionally stab me out of the blue. If isn’t one thing, it’s another, isn’t it. I’m doing good writing it down and talking to my husband about it, but I still feel knife-edge, as if that one tiny wrong thing will send me spiraling. But… I don’t want to give up and hide. The bipolar wins if I do that. I’m stubborn and don’t want to give it the satisfaction; stubbornness has carried me far in this life. It’s turning a ‘fault’ into a strength, as best I can to aid me. And yanno, taking advantage of this medium to roll things around in, taking advantage of friends to talk things out with, taking advantage of… sunlight? All I know is that I will continue on the best I can, because that’s winning.

<3