As I’m feeling decently balanced and human today, there’s not much to impart. I know it’s not true balance, ’cause I snapped at someone over a triviality last night, but it’s close enough. And, to be fair, the person was being slightly pushy, so my response was sort of warranted.
I think about filters a lot lately, and my lack thereof. I have people in my life who are often put out because I don’t want them enthusing at me, or filling my space with ambiguous angry. I think most of us with bipolar would agree that our state is easily polluted by these things, and that while I don’t think any of us would ask people to deny themselves their full range of emotions and experiences, I bet a lot of us would be happier if people did it outside of our bubble. Having said that, I can deal with peoples’ emotions if I’m being their therapist quack, but that’s obviously a very certain situation, and it’s not foolproof either.
And, of course, it’s not just emotions, but definitely experiences and people and well… everything. I was talking to my youngest sister the other day and filling her in on bits of family history that she wasn’t aware of. Oh, she was around for some of it, but she fully admitted that her filtering works fine (lucky dear!) and that she’s often amazed by the depth and breadth of my remembrance. Our other sister has historically accused me of making things up, which is only valid insomuch that all memories are faulty and are shifted and recoloured by each remembrance. I know my own recollection of things tends to be murkier and probably more paranoid than it actually occurred, but then, that’s the filter under which I am stuck labouring more often than not. I’m still fairly confident that I have the facts and details right, but then, so do everyone else, ha ha.
I think that my filtering situation is probably compounded by my introversion, though. Mind you, I said introverted — I am neither shy, nor socially inept. Friends who have spent time with me are often surprised by my assertion because of those two facts (though I feel that education on the subject of introversion has been on the rise lately, and lo, it is good!). I think it’s fair to say that being introverted, peoples’ energy and extroversion is draining enough. Add that to the commonalities of bipolar, and it’s a pretty nasty mix to swallow on the regular. I don’t know about anyone else, but this emphatically extends to online activities; even if it’s ‘merely’ text, I have always been very sensitive to the energies behind it (to a degree that I have been accused of making it up or overreacting on numerous occasions). Maybe I have, or maybe I’ve just given more power to other people. I refuse to think of people online as non-existent; everyone behind the words is a person with feelings, and deserve to be treated as such. Sometimes I am not gentle, but then, that’s probably an extension of how ungentle I am unto myself — I am sure very few people realize just what a whip-cracking bitch I am to keep myself in some semblance of order. 😉
Anyways, that’s ramble enough. Hope everyone is having a nice day.
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