And no, not that ghastly looking show on teevee. It’s more me mulling whether or not this is going to be the status quo; feeling semi-stable for more than a day or two at a go is still strange at best. I still don’t think that how I feel right now is going to last, because what evidence do I have to support that? If anything, I suspect that February will follow December in being a period of depression. If not forto counterbalance feeling semi-human right now, then I think it definitely will have to be down to make up for the fact that this month has been so hectic.

I guess I wish I could trust in my body and brain to be more even, because then I could probably talk myself into doing and trying more. Because I don’t have any real ‘defense’ against the mood swings and intrusive thoughts, I tend to engage in somewhat avoidant behavior to try and preserve what centralization I have of a moment. Not that I actually desire to go back to a time where I relied on drugs and alcohol to keep my brain so sodden that I didn’t care if I made it through the day in one piece, but sometimes it seems like it was the easier approach.

Anyways, back to nursing my head cold. Got to love kiddos for their plague-carrying abilities… not. *laughs*

<3