My brain continues to be rather quiet and thoughtless right now due to the high levels of busy… and I do love it. Okay, I miss having random jolts of creativity, but that fountain has been a dribble at best since my last joyous explosion nearly 20 years ago (seriously, my brain has been too wonked out since to be of much use). It also pleases me after a fashion, because I consider the emptiness to be a useful potential foundation on which to build functioning brain operations and creativity and the like.
Or maybe that’s just me holding myself to a standard that was a fluke… there’s every chance of that too. I think most people would deem me to be more creative than I deem myself to be; I make random art and poems for friends. I write stories. I half-assedly maintain two and a half different blogs on the daily (and I try to make sure they don’t copy each other overly, ’cause respect for friends who try to follow me in all the places!). I’ve got a knack for wholly inappropriate book titles and pet names in my Sims games; while I don’t share those widely, those who do get to see them delight in my perversity. I crochet, I’m trying to learn to knit and sew with a machine, and my barely functioning mouth-to-brain conduit spews all sorts of randomosities.
Having said that, I do acknowledge again and again my issues with perfectionism, and having to deal with that with a anti-typical braining structure. Things that work for the neurotypical anger and enrage me with their saccharine condescension, probably in part because I -know- what could work for me if my brain were willing to cooperate. Because I made a lifelong commitment to self-improvement starting as a kid, I don’t toot my own horn that publicly about my progress and improvements in that regard. That is probably in part to the wonky brainings; I know it’s the case for me and probably other folks with bipolar as well, but patting myself on the back is pretty much an invitation for my brain to turn that hand against me to stab me in the aforementioned body part. It probably also doesn’t help that I state my current state as a matter-of-fact thing; this isn’t to say that change will not occur (because I am ever working for change), but that this is where things are at the moment and that is what I am dealing with.
Delightfully Empty — No Comments