Every now and again, I make myself go back and read things about bipolar 2 so that I may have a better understanding of my own situation. And I was just reminded that even with treatment, relapse is a common thing. So The fact I was depressed for all of December and (am likely) entering another depressive phase isn’t my ‘fault’. I try to not give into self-blame anymore; I used to be quite the self-flagellator. I’m doing the right things — I’m taking my meds, I’m trying to keep a record of my mood, I’m still applying positive thinking as much as possible… but it might just be for naught all in all. And I can’t think like that, else I might as well throw the door wide open for the bipolar to usher the depression back in to roost.

I guess I am concerned that my doctor might want to change my meds, or add to the mix. I’ve been fortunate that the Seroquel has done such a great basic job. I can cope with most of the side-effects (even if my hands occasionally crapping out is maddening). I would want to, if I could, keep the Seroquel as a base and grudgingly add on to it, or up my dose, or something. All in all, I want the highs and lows and jags smoothed out to something flattish, but yeah… scared that if I changed meds, it would send me spinning off in dangerous ways. I want to be even better, but don’t want to rock the boat when now is better than then, and blah blah blah. It’s all those joyful conflicts that make one desire to hide in a bottle rather than contemplate anything.

I think this line from Mind probably pins it the best, though:

‘Although some people may cope very well in between episodes, many still experience low-level symptoms in these relatively ‘stable’ periods which still impact on their daily lives.‘

Hypomania is great — it helped me write a novel, and complete who the crap knows what other great things in my life. Depression is crap, and tends to keep me down at pretty much every time I’m not hypomanic. Coping is definitely the word; the best of the rest of times is me trying to find some minor motivation to do -anything-. I’m sure there are people out there who think I’m just lazy or a game addict, but what can you do? I can’t change everyone’s mind — I can just try to share my experiences and hope that some sense can be derived. And, I think… perhaps tomorrow I will talk a bit about gaming and the role it fulfills in my life. We’ll see. For now, I’m off.

<3