The subject line is about as close as I can come to describing how I am right now. The bipolar hasn’t dragged me into a fugue-y state, but I am sort of feeling clouded and cloudy and adrift. It’s neither bad nor good at this moment… it’s just sort of neutral//is. Having said that, it feels like a bit of a bubble that could be popped, and my focus is pretty non-existent right now. I keep jumping all over the place wanting to do little things here and there, and that’s not very productive (or good for keeping anxiety in check).
Past that, I’m resigned to the increase in OCD-esque behaviors. I’ve had a gradual increase in a need to have things squared off just so, and today, I had to stop and scrub stray pen marks off of the thing that my mother-in-law uses to protect her dining table. Maybe I could have ignored it, but I’m coming to the conclusion that the increase in OCD behaviors is the bipolar’s way of trying to channel anxiety into something ‘productive’. I don’t know exactly either… I need to make very sure that I get the issue discussed when I see the psychiatrist next week. It’s not an exactly destructive thing, the squaring and the ‘need’ for some things to be in certain ways, nor does it cost me that much time in the scheme of things. But that’s still spoons I could be better spending elsewhere, yanno?
So yes, hopefully between writing this out and my husband reading it, we will remember to address this, and more specifically, address that it is probably an anxiety issue that is still being neglected. If I’m seeing the doctor I think I’m seeing, he’ll probably push again for me to get on a small dose of antidepressant. I’m not fully against it, mind, but I am very wary of the chances of it causing rapid cycling (which I I suspect was an issue in my past, but I’m not completely sure either). But I do want to keep advocating for myself to make sure that my quality of life continues to improve. I owe that much to myself if I am my own friend!
Anyhoos, back to work.