I Want a New Drug
The song popped into my head, and it’s semi-apt for a subject line… so nyah.
I don’t really want a new new drug, but I sort of wish I already had my upped dose of the Seroquel. The last day or two has had a lot of anxiety squigglings; whether the bipolar is creeping to hypomanic or something else, I know not. It’s probably my ‘fault’ for yesterday, though I’m not actually going to beat myself up over my brain beating me up. Paranoia is a nasty enough bitch as-is, especially when it is completely unwarranted.
But as I was saying to heatherbat yesterday — it doesn’t matter how much logic I fling at paranoia, it still does the same shit time and time (and time and time and time) again. It doesn’t matter that I can know that say… I have an opinion; it’s not going to automatically solicit abuse and hatred. I can know that. I can repeatedly force myself to approach the things that trigger the paranoia and anxiety and upset to find out there is nothing there… but it doesn’t stop my brain and body from responding as such. It is frustrating, to say the very least. And it’s a fairly constant thing that pretty much every email and chat notification and post notification triggers that paranoia and anxiety to varying degrees. I just don’t mention often because I’d get as sick talking about it as everyone else in the world would get hearing about it, ESPECIALLY since doing the ‘right’ things haven’t done anything to fix it. Last thing I need atop my own brain’s bipolar freaking out bullcrap is people piling on ‘helpful’ suggestions based on the assumption that I’ve not tried the prescribed self-treatment. ¬¬
Hopefully, my soon-to-be increased dose will swot down this little bit of sprung-up paranoia enough for me to be able to manage it a bit better. It’s definitely not that bad (and I’ve only exceedingly rarely been full blown, and that tied with drug use at that), but like most of the coping I do, it’s frustrating and wearying when it springs up.
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