It’s a Do Not Disturb sign, sort of.

I’m at home today. There was no discussion on the subject, no real need for discussion on the subject. I guess it radiated out from me like the little oven I am, shooting out heat and theta waves loudly broadcasting my exact state of being (not that I was consciously decided, ha ha. I wasn’t awake enough for that).

Add this with taking Thursday off, and I have to admit it — this current episode is effecting my life. There, I said it. I admitted that I’m not able to cope without hefty retreat. Will that help my case in trying to get something for anxiety? I certainly hope so. The admission certainly can’t hurt my case, and as I’ve said before — I do tend to understate my case because I don’t want to be a bother. I think that’s the case for a lot of us. Is it a control issue, perhaps? Probably a little bit — I know that I am wary of admitting my frailties for fear that I will lose what little ability I have to get by.

I’m also having the ‘fun’ bonus of my brain fixating on the passage of time. How as I get older, it seems to swing through the year faster and faster until it’s gone. While I don’t focus on regret (I do my best to spend my time as best I can day to day, even if it’s a lot of nothing), it makes me aware of my own mortality, and the brain shoots up the ‘Why bother?’ to such a degree that it takes my non-existent energy and then some to take a deep breath and try, *try*, to ignore the clenching in my chest.

But hey, what can I do but keep clinging on, and hoping it passes? Yeah, I’m at a loss too… so that’s what I’m going to keep doing. Well, and take out my angst on thugs on Coruscant in Star Wars: The Old Republic. It might not be much, but it does channel my attention and help silent my brain. Doesn’t make the racing beating in my chest subside, but that was always going to be the case.

Anyways, I hope everyone else out there is doing alright today, and hopefully I’ll find the spoons to make the blog rounds today. I didn’t manage it yesterday, and I’d rather not get behind on what my fellow bipolar folks are up to. Which reminds me of my ‘If I do this, today is a victory’ thing — reorganizing my links here to a menu on the menu bar, and starting to add in some of the bipolar folk outside of the network that I follow.

Anyways, anyways.

<3